Saturday, April 25, 2009

More censorship

Today while watching Rachel Ray, don't judge, I live in the desert, and there are only so many English channels, and there was nothing on, and plus they had given a make-over to a mother who had had a mullet since she was 7, and like what do I have to justify why I was watching that hoarse trick anyway.... deep breath. Okay. So while I was watching Rachel Ray, she was making these breakfast biscuits that had egg, cheese, and bacon in them. They looked decent at best, but that isn't the point. When she was mixing all of the ingredients together, she was like "you can use turkey bacon or @*$% bacon." Now take a wild guess which four-lettered word the UAE bleeped out. Pork. I kid you not, they bleeped out the word pork. Well either that, or she was talking about fuck bacon.

So it's haram to hear the word pork, but you can pork up to 4 women as long as you're married to them. Yeah that makes sense.

Friday, April 24, 2009

More phallacies

Rahaf, in my class, has an identical twin sister in Jasmine's class, Noof. Although the two look exactly the same, their personalities differ greatly. Point in case, Rahaf is cute, Noof is a perv.

Jasmine, being the more prepared teacher for her students, prints out their work and pastes it into these notebooks we call copybooks. This is where the kids get to practice writing without a worksheet, in a book, in a worksheet format, but in a book.... Same shit different smell though, ya know?! Whatever. Anyway, here is an example of Noof's copybook for the sound O. See how she was supposed to draw an octopus, as in O O Octopus, and then write the letter O on the provided lines? Minus the pupil-less eyes and the disregard of a leg, I would say pretty good.

Now this is what she drew for P. See how she so did not draw a P P Panda.

Repeat after me KG1E: P P Penis. P P Penis. P P Perv. P P Perv.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Easter in Ruwais

I know it is a little later, but I forgot to tell you about Easter in the Middies.

First off it started like every other day, and to cut quickly to the chase, it ended like any other day. It was a holiday, so we didn't have to work. Yayer! Instead I lounged around and watched Angel for the majority of the day, and Jasmine cooked me some lamb with mint sauce, mashed potes, and stuffing.

Then after dinner, my new roommate, Zeinab wanted a tour of Ruwais, like there is really much to see... BUT we did it anyway. As Jasmine and I are starting to meet Zeinab at the park by my house, the lightening and thunder is tremendous! I mean forks of electricity and deep, loud, long drums of thunder. I felt like I was in 0 AD and Jesus was being resurected that night. That must have been what it was like right? Like massive action and magic in the sky. It was pretty epic to say the least, but then it started to rain on our walk, and I was having a good bang day, and those come so rarely, so I was a smidge upset.

OH but then there was this Emirati on a motorcycle cruising next to us when it was still only sprinkling. That is what these men do here, they cruise around and check out the people walking, in hopes they will be women. They circle the block and make it completely obvious they are looking at you. It's annoying to say the least. Anyway, this man on a motorcycle kept speeding up and down the street and showing off doing tricks and stuff, as if it would have impressed us. Any other day it would have been obnoxious, which it still was, but that day, Easter, with the lightening and the thunder, he was popping a wheelie (as I hear the kids call it these days) right when this giant horizantal bolt of lightening flashed, and I couldn't help but feel I was in a Meatloaf video. If it weren't some retard, I would say it would have defined rad, and I don't throw that definition around, but instead it just defined tool. It will forever be burned into my brain though as a happy memory from this awesome hole.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It's good to be friends with Emiratis!

So I'm not much into cars. I mean I like them, well I do love them, like the way you love your computer. Like I am dependent on her, and I am affectionate her, but I don't take pristine care of her, and I don't really care if too much happens to her. Also, I don't really do any extra curricular reading about cars (0r computers for that matter). But my friend, Ahmed, rented an Audi r8 for my other friend, Nasima's, birthday. So at the party, after I left, everyone got to take it for a spin. Luckily for me, I bumbed into him and his muscle car on my hour break, so he let me do the same!

Fast cars are perfect for the E11. The highways is almost perfectly strait, there are rarely any other cars on it, and you know where the radars are so you can easily avoid them.

I got to 220 km/h which is only like 136.7 mph (which is faster than I have ever driven!), and pussed out because it was broad daylight, and I don't want to go to jail like a certain someone I know.

The car was nice, enough. Annoyingly low, red interior, and automatic. Even though it is automatic it still shifts like Amie (hey yo for the A Yo!), which for those who haven't been blessed to drive with my dearest friend/sister, she lives up to both her Asian and woman stereotypes. But that is besides the point. I don't get why it needs to so obviously switch gears. I get it, you're a sports car, you like to rev the RPMs, but you are also an Audi, and that means you are luxury, and I want to luxuriously go from 0-60 in 4.4 seconds without the jolt of each gear. But hey, I don't know cars.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Chicken pox is going around!

Most of my class got it last month, but I expect the rest of them to get it soon. They enjoy showing me their nasty scabs.

Yesterday 56 kids were absent from it. That is about 23% of the school! (yes I just did the math)

Even Mr. Rashide, our mid 30s gatekeeper has it! I laughed at him. But we're cool like that. Yes, I realize that it is much more serious to catch when you are older. We're not worried. The clinic here is very well prepared.... ha.

There is a rumor going around that Jasmine has the chicken pox. I'm letting people go with it. I don't want to be the one that drops the she's-actually-in-jail bomb.


Actually the UAE does in fact give a crap about making an example of someone.

Jasmine has been in jail for the past 3 days.

She went in to the municipal court for her "apology" during her lunch, and 8 hours later, I got a text from her saying that she would have to pay a fine and go to jail. Then at 10:30 I got a call from her saying that she was going to be moved to the women's facility in Madinat Zayed which is like 45 minutes away to stay the night there, with a potential transfer to the Abu Dhabi lock up or whatever for 7 days.

That was 3 days ago.

Now she is in Abu Dhabi, and most likely coming back to this awesome* hole in 1-2 days.

On the bright side she didn't have to work this whole week. On the dark side, I had to cover some of her classes.

I will keep the updates a comin' to let you know if it gets too Guantanamo/Brokedown Palace.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Awesome UAE!

Okay so last Thursday started off to be just like any other Thursday- one, maybe two people wanted to go to the Danat, and the rest of us were just easily convinced. But unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, most of us girls were really in the dancing mood, which meant the men were in the buying mood, which meant we were in the drinking mood. So one thing lead to another, and eventually police were knocking on my door at 4 am, I’m in my PJs, and I so was not in that kind of mood. Of course there are many missing pieces to this story, like what happened from 11pm to 4 am; that’s not because they are too incriminating or anything, but rather because they are just too boring and typical to be included. And by typical, I mean I didn’t lose my phone or camera, so it couldn’t have been that typical. Actually I don’t think I brought them, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, we came, we danced, we conquered, but then we went home.

Now if you are confused to as why the police were at my house looking for what seemed to be Lorrayne, so was I. I said that I thought she was in her house, asked why they needed her, they couldn’t understand me, and that was basically it. So minutes after they left, I creeped upstairs in case they were still there, which they were, and army crawled from one end of the apartment to the other so they couldn’t see me, which they could. I asked Lorrayne why they needed her, and she thought it was because Jasmine was being loud and rude to the cops. Jasmine loud and rude? Nhhoow! Never! The cops went to Jasmine’s house about a domestic disturbance call they got from Mr. Sala, the man that lives directly below me (umm this is why you don’t let families live near a large group of shit shows) and they knocked on Jasmine’s door for questioning, but when they wouldn’t/couldn’t show her identification that proved they were in fact officers of the law, and not just some Emirati creeps knocking on her door in dish dashes in the wee hours of the nicgh, she kinda threw a tantrum, yelled, and took their pictures.

Yeah, so we woke up the next day, thirsty and confused.

So this is what really happened (as I understand it):

Mr. Sala woke up around 4 to get some water to find his front door wide open. Worried there was an intruder in his house, he called the cops. That same night, two Indian men at the Indian camp had gotten into a deadly fight over money or something, resulting in one murder and one critical injuries, therefore, the cops were on very high alert. The cops showed up coincidentally at the same time all of us got home. The cops then started questioning anyone who was around at that time, Jasmine included. Jasmine started to make a scene (this is where she took yelled at them “You are stupid! Your country is stupid!” took their pictures, etc) and Lorrayne came down to save Jasmine from herself, so she didn’t get into too much trouble with the authority. Mr. Sala told the cops he thought they went to my house, so the cops came to ask me where they were. I said upstairs, they couldn’t understand me, they left empty handed.

Did you know that it is illegal to be drunk in the UAE? It is also illegal to buy alcohol from a hotel you are not a guest at, to say mean things to someone else, and to take a picture of someone without their permission.

Therefore Jasmine, who was guilty of all 4, had to go in for questioning at the police station at 9:30 last night.

Her punishment: to say sorry to the officer at the municipal court for calling him and his country stupid.

And they say their country isn’t stupid.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Birthday!

to the love of my life, and best friend:

Party responsibly on your 21st. We don't want anymore DUIs.

Oh yeah and to a Mr. Patrickbon, you're older too!