Thursday, December 10, 2009

How to write a good Christmas song:

As you all know, we are pretty deep into the holiday season now, so I thought it appropriate to write a how-to article on composing a Christmas song. Now I'll be honest, I have never written a song before, except if you count my voicemails (which you do, because we all know each is a stoke of genius), so I don't really have the authority, but I do enjoy music, especially seasonal sonnets, and I am confident in my observational skills so much that I could aid someone else in putting together their Christmas chorus with their jubilant jams.

Now preheat at 375, and in a loose specific order, here is your hit making recipe:

1) Music:
a. Think of what kind of sound you want- acoustic, orchestral, or electronic, then choose your bells accordingly. With an acoustic song you'll want jingle bells, orchestral it'll be brass bells, and then for electronic just use the synthesized bell sound on your keyboard or computer.
b. If you want add is some Santa sound effects or reindeer hooves.

2) Lyrics:
a. Make sure the words are holiday themed. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Black Person Christmas, whatever you feel like. Sing about Santa, chimneys, trees, snow, bells, presents, silver bells, jingle bells, ringing bells, carols, being alone and/or heartbroken, ginger bread, sleigh bells, kissing, mistletoe, red and green, candy canes, eggnog, booze, being drunk with your family, getting pissed at your family, etc. Get creative.
b. Get rid of the pesky v in every over you put in your song, but only when you need that extra syllable. Actually, just get rid of it and make it work on your own.

3) Sing:
a. You or someone with a better voice must sing the song you just wrote.
b. Get some back up singers, ie a Southern Baptists gospel choir, a regular gospel choir, some tinsley/old timey/WWII sounding female singers, and or kids, people love creepy singing kids.

Bake for 30 mins and let cool for 15, and if all goes well, it serves infinite for years to come!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

What is up with this?!

Now I am not exactly sure what the S.W.A.T. team does or even what it stands for, but alls I know is they're bad ass, and I have never seen them before in real life. Only in the movies. I guess Santa Maria has their own branch of them though. That's normal right?! Not racist at all? To like have their own branch in America's highest birthrate city of primarily Latinos? This was taken in Pismo though. Not even the same county as Spanta. I'm just saying, they may be out of their jurisdiction. I saw Super Troopers, I know how this works. But San Luis may not have their own division, or branch, or sect, or whatever. They may not have as many situations that require this advanced team, and when need be, we just borrow from our more populated, crimeful neighboring county.

This is the white version of the truck.

And 10 paces behind, this is the black. I'm just kidding, it was really in front of the white truck, like a shield or a minuteman, I just couldn't get my phone out quickly enough to take a good picture of the armored vehicle. Look closely in the mirror, but warning; objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear! Not really, but kinda.

Shout out to Courtney "XLV" Pierceco- you may recognize this terrain as the same location we were heroes!

UPDATE: S.W.A.T. stands for Special Weapons And Tactics. Now what does F.R.I.E.N.D.S stand for? And since when do we include and in acronyms?

Drama at the old people home!

So I'm working the other day, of course the other day, because I'm back to being unemployed (ineligible to collect though unfortunately). Anyway, I noticed that my view was being obstructed by AGPD.

If you look closely you can see her being handcuffed. No z0om on dPhone ya know?! Bunk.

Apparently one of the resident's daughter dabbles in the drugs, so naturally this small town's police department was creaming at the idea of any action. Three police cars, a tow truck, and a nasty white Altima later, they were able to arrest the meth head. Sadly they pulled out an empty car seat, meaning there is a broken family behind her pocked skin and surprisingly well fed belly. She did have bouncy hair though, but I was immediately elbowed for mentioning my jealousy. I guess it's impolite to envy those being arrested. Whatever, she should have been working those golden locks instead of working that glass pipe. That's mean. I'm sorry. We don't know her whole story. At least I didn't make her get on her knees to read her her rights. Now that is mean!

Here she is being read her rights on her knees while the back up police man is removing paraphernalia from her car. Seriously, I bet Droid has a zoom.

Getting arrested really is a spectator sport. We had a crowd of at least 30 in the lobby, including my boss, a handful of residents, and my trainee. I quickly got bored though, and took my lunch. That is way more exciting than some crack who-er getting put in the pokey. I put on my lip gloss though just in case I were to say, bump into one of the dreamboat officers. That is where my life is at.

Those old people do love them some dramz though!

Let the baking begin!

Holidays really bring out the baker in us all. So does the bologna and the Costco sized mayonnaise in the back of the fridge. These are chocolate cookies sandwiched around some homemade peppermint frosting, lined with crushed candy canes. I know there is a clever name out there for them. I've been calling them Inuit Turds, to be politically correct of course. But I've been tossing around Eskimo Chalupas, Reindeer Dung, and Santa Patties. Everyone else just calls them delicious. Except my dad. He only likes his peppermint in booze form. But hey, who can really say no to Rumplemintz?! I know not me. Or Sean. Or Shannon.

- Posted from dPhone

A very Central Coast Christmas!

It was raining today and cold as balls. I mean like 50 degrees or even lower! Living on the Cen Coast is so hard!

But isn't it so pretty!?

She's pretty too!
And our new tree and fireplace!

Party Chat!

Though we weren't all together physically- mentally and technologically we were!!

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

I'm most thankful for everyone not calling it Turkey Day.

In other breaking news: Jessica cut her hair!
Key yute!