How to write a good Christmas song:

As you all know, we are pretty deep into the holiday season now, so I thought it appropriate to write a how-to article on composing a Christmas song. Now I'll be honest, I have never written a song before, except if you count my voicemails (which you do, because we all know each is a stoke of genius), so I don't really have the authority, but I do enjoy music, especially seasonal sonnets, and I am confident in my observational skills so much that I could aid someone else in putting together their Christmas chorus with their jubilant jams.

Now preheat at 375, and in a loose specific order, here is your hit making recipe:

1) Music:

a. Think of what kind of sound you want- acoustic, orchestral, or electronic, then choose your bells accordingly. With an acoustic song you'll want jingle bells, orchestral it'll be brass bells, and then for electronic just use the synthesized bell sound on your keyboard or computer.

b. If you want add is some Santa sound effects or reindeer hooves.

2) Lyrics:

a. Make sure the words are holiday themed. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Black Person Christmas, whatever you feel like. Sing about Santa, chimneys, trees, snow, bells, presents, silver bells, jingle bells, ringing bells, carols, being alone and/or heartbroken, ginger bread, sleigh bells, kissing, mistletoe, red and green, candy canes, eggnog, booze, being drunk with your family, getting pissed at your family, etc. Get creative.

b. Get rid of the pesky v in every over you put in your song, but only when you need that extra syllable. Actually, just get rid of it and make it work on your own.

3) Sing:

a. You or someone with a better voice must sing the song you just wrote.

b. Get some back up singers, ie a Southern Baptists gospel choir, a regular gospel choir, some tinsley/old timey/WWII sounding female singers, and or kids, people love creepy singing kids.

Bake for 30 mins and let cool for 15, and if all goes well, it serves infinite for years to come!

What is up with this?!

Now I am not exactly sure what the S.W.A.T. team does or even what it stands for, but alls I know is they're bad ass, and I have never seen them before in real life. Only in the movies. I guess Santa Maria has their own branch of them though. That's normal right?! Not racist at all? To like have their own branch in America's highest birthrate city of primarily Latinos? This was taken in Pismo though. Not even the same county as Spanta. I'm just saying, they may be out of their jurisdiction. I saw Super Troopers, I know how this works. But San Luis may not have their own division, or branch, or sect, or whatever. They may not have as many situations that require this advanced team, and when need be, we just borrow from our more populated, crimeful neighboring county.

This is the white version of the truck.



And 10 paces behind, this is the black. I'm just kidding, it was really in front of the white truck, like a shield or a minuteman, I just couldn't get my phone out quickly enough to take a good picture of the armored vehicle. Look closely in the mirror, but warning; objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear! Not really, but kinda.


Shout out to Courtney "XLV" Pierceco- you may recognize this terrain as the same location we were heroes!

UPDATE: S.W.A.T. stands for Special Weapons And Tactics. Now what does F.R.I.E.N.D.S stand for? And since when do we include and in acronyms?

Drama at the old people home!

So I'm working the other day, of course the other day, because I'm back to being unemployed (ineligible to collect though unfortunately). Anyway, I noticed that my view was being obstructed by AGPD.

If you look closely you can see her being handcuffed. No z0om on dPhone ya know?! Bunk.

Apparently one of the resident's daughter dabbles in the drugs, so naturally this small town's police department was creaming at the idea of any action. Three police cars, a tow truck, and a nasty white Altima later, they were able to arrest the meth head. Sadly they pulled out an empty car seat, meaning there is a broken family behind her pocked skin and surprisingly well fed belly. She did have bouncy hair though, but I was immediately elbowed for mentioning my jealousy. I guess it's impolite to envy those being arrested. Whatever, she should have been working those golden locks instead of working that glass pipe. That's mean. I'm sorry. We don't know her whole story. At least I didn't make her get on her knees to read her her rights. Now that is mean!

Here she is being read her rights on her knees while the back up police man is removing paraphernalia from her car. Seriously, I bet Droid has a zoom.

Getting arrested really is a spectator sport. We had a crowd of at least 30 in the lobby, including my boss, a handful of residents, and my trainee. I quickly got bored though, and took my lunch. That is way more exciting than some crack who-er getting put in the pokey. I put on my lip gloss though just in case I were to say, bump into one of the dreamboat officers. That is where my life is at.

Those old people do love them some dramz though!

Let the baking begin!

Holidays really bring out the baker in us all. So does the bologna and the Costco sized mayonnaise in the back of the fridge. These are chocolate cookies sandwiched around some homemade peppermint frosting, lined with crushed candy canes. I know there is a clever name out there for them. I've been calling them Inuit Turds, to be politically correct of course. But I've been tossing around Eskimo Chalupas, Reindeer Dung, and Santa Patties. Everyone else just calls them delicious. Except my dad. He only likes his peppermint in booze form. But hey, who can really say no to Rumplemintz?! I know not me. Or Sean. Or Shannon.


- Posted from dPhone

A very Central Coast Christmas!

It was raining today and cold as balls. I mean like 50 degrees or even lower! Living on the Cen Coast is so hard!

But isn't it so pretty!?

She's pretty too!
And our new tree and fireplace!

Party Chat!

Though we weren't all together physically- mentally and technologically we were!!

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

I'm most thankful for everyone not calling it Turkey Day.


In other breaking news: Jessica cut her hair!
Key yute!

Cat sitting for the King/Street/Kingstreetss

Because nothing makes you miss your friend more than staying at his empty house while his parents are visiting him, and playing with his lonely cat!

Here's little Sebastian giving a big cat stretch.
(insert Courtney's EW here)

Like father like son. Catt Ralph.
(insert everyone's EW here)

- Posted from dPhone

Waning Gibbous

dPhone doesn't do the moon justice. I'll tell you though, she is big, yellow and creepy. Just like a Japanese Artie Lange, except less smelly, way cooler and doesn't have a gambling problem.



- Posted from dPhone

the rest of my movie shoot pics

As promised, here are some more pictures from when I was a big deal script supervisor for the Biz.

Day 1~I meet the crew and get my bearings.

The make-up crew from left to right: Tom, Andrea, Gregory Paul Smith (was actually the monster when in costume), Billy Idol Wannabe.

Shooting a hospital scene at University of Hancock.

The scriptee in the yellow flower.

Adonis and Felix, whose real name is Bryan.

Totally not bored, and apparently really rocking at my job.

Day 2-5~ The haunted Price House! Although I used to love this place for the memories it gave me, now I loath it for the pain it brought me. 18 hour days, pissing in the dark, avoiding black widows crawling up my bum... These were some of the happier moments.

Day time spooky.

Getting set up. I had a crush on her bf.

Ben, Matt, Adonis.

Night time spooky.

Monsters have to text too.

Working hard or hardly working. I was reading scripts. That's was we do.

Adonis, the cinematographer, and this kid who is in drama school. He's an actor. He worked with the Metchiks. I can't remember his name, but he was cool enough, except he told the director I lied to him. I was like 100% responsibility buddy, I didn't promise there was going to be ice cream in the ice chest, I said if there was going to be any, it would be where they keep the ice.
Boom.

I was upstairs helping with a scene but staying out of the way. The Price house is very small.

Movie magic.

2009, sans my BFFF.

Circa 2003 avec Mes Amis a Jamais.

Day The-rest-of-them-were-a-blur~ We shot at Ben, the director's parents' house. We finally get to see some serious blood.

You know you're scared.

Oh wait it's daylight.

Mayank. My dad took the stains out of his clothes. His body double was very realistic... This also was well after 8 takes. We were having some major technical difficulties.

Doing my part to keep things going smoothly.

Day I-wished-I-was-sleeping~ We did get to shoot at the Saint Pat's cemetary! That was super cool. Kinda.

Spooky gates.


Pallbearers.

Crazy Mike. Loves to talk. Loves to talk about fighting. Loves to demonstrate. Loves to demonstrate fighting on the crew.

We feared (for) him.

Day towards the end~ We shot at the Z club during the day. Bars are always so depressing during the day. Even weirder on a Sunday. I've never been to the Z club, but from the looks of it, I will never go back.

Ben recognized some real potential in me. I got to use some of my acting chops and "pretend" to be a bar patron, a role I've been preparing for for a life time. I'm super method okay.

Day I forget~ Montana de Oro. God is good.

Spooky lighting, I know right!? Most pictures courtesy of Will the dramatic lighting guy.

A lot of standing (me sitting around).

More like Fertileville. Brett, the AD (Assistant Director, I think, although I was convinced it meant Art Director) consoling me on why it is okay to be baron. Little does he know.

Waiting for the weather to get better so we could shoot. We had to keep the continuity of the lighting correct. The integrity of the film was at stake!

Day Almost Finished~ Shot in the back of Avila, like behind Gopher Glen's on the other side of the hill, on a ranch of a friend of Adonis's. Got that.

The Monster. Aka Gregory Paul Smith.

Deputy FISHMASTER! Can you bail me now?! Can you bail me now?!

The majority of the cast and crew.
Starting with Canadian Tux dude on the top left: Jeff Ryan (Death Factory), Kristin Lorenz (Worm Whole Chasers), Andrea (make-up dept.) Rachel Balzer (Zombie Farm, Lizard Boy), Gregory Paul Smith (the monster), Matt O'Neill (A Feast of Flesh*), Reggie Banister (super famous D movie star, Phantasm**), Dave (Megan's law dude), Carl Edge (local celeb), Adonis (cameraman extraordinaire), Will (behind that shade, looking like a fool; lighting stresser), and me (cold and listening to my music).
Bottom two: Ben Cooper (the director), Felix (boom mic dude).

*Not a porno.
** Also not a porno.

BFF

I've never smelt so much vomit in my life and I went to UCSB.


His mom was a great help.


J Tits was a great sport.


He definitely ralphed all night.


But I love him as my bro.


Even when he pukes on my hand.


Xoxochodep

- Posted from dPhone

Top of the morning to ya.

So while I was at the gas station buying some Sparks Light with Shannon:




I picked up some new Burger King brand chips. They are onion ring flavor. I don't even like onion rings! It's just I'm such a sucker for new things.




After trying them, I'll tell you I'm not exactly convinced, but they did have some Funyun flavored dusty goodness.




Best part.

- Posted from dPhone