How to write a good Christmas song:

As you all know, we are pretty deep into the holiday season now, so I thought it appropriate to write a how-to article on composing a Christmas song. Now I'll be honest, I have never written a song before, except if you count my voicemails (which you do, because we all know each is a stoke of genius), so I don't really have the authority, but I do enjoy music, especially seasonal sonnets, and I am confident in my observational skills so much that I could aid someone else in putting together their Christmas chorus with their jubilant jams.

Now preheat at 375, and in a loose specific order, here is your hit making recipe:

1) Music:

a. Think of what kind of sound you want- acoustic, orchestral, or electronic, then choose your bells accordingly. With an acoustic song you'll want jingle bells, orchestral it'll be brass bells, and then for electronic just use the synthesized bell sound on your keyboard or computer.

b. If you want add is some Santa sound effects or reindeer hooves.

2) Lyrics:

a. Make sure the words are holiday themed. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Black Person Christmas, whatever you feel like. Sing about Santa, chimneys, trees, snow, bells, presents, silver bells, jingle bells, ringing bells, carols, being alone and/or heartbroken, ginger bread, sleigh bells, kissing, mistletoe, red and green, candy canes, eggnog, booze, being drunk with your family, getting pissed at your family, etc. Get creative.

b. Get rid of the pesky v in every over you put in your song, but only when you need that extra syllable. Actually, just get rid of it and make it work on your own.

3) Sing:

a. You or someone with a better voice must sing the song you just wrote.

b. Get some back up singers, ie a Southern Baptists gospel choir, a regular gospel choir, some tinsley/old timey/WWII sounding female singers, and or kids, people love creepy singing kids.

Bake for 30 mins and let cool for 15, and if all goes well, it serves infinite for years to come!