Uh oh.

I need a new black eye shadow. This one's cursed.




Tell me that doesn't look like a skull. You can't. My eyeshadow is possesed by a dead baby or perhaps a sloth.

- Posted from dPhone

Spring had sprung

And it looks good.

At the risk of sounding douchey, the smell of jasmines really do bring me back to my Arabian nights.

- Posted from dPhone

How I spend my time at work 3

Data entry

Custom House in Avila has this special where you get a free meal on your birthday month. So when the birthday specials get used, I input them into the database. I get to see their address, birthday, and even what they ordered. Most of the names are boring, but some are not:

You've got to be joking me right?!

But no, this dude turned like 50 and ordered like a steak and wine.

Word to the wise, if your name is Richard Caddy, do not go by Dick.

How I spend my time at work 2

Crafts

Quick background- we have a dishwasher. There is no set cleaning schedule. So on occasion, you don't know if the dishes are dirty or clean. Here was my solution.

With the help of my beautiful assistant/apprentice, Larissa from the Compass Health, Inc. Art Department (that's the Inc. part of Compass Health), I made some handy dishwasher labels.

Dirty

(Front, or really back)

Clean

(Back, or could be front)

These were the prototypes before I acquired Larissa's expertise.Because nothing says dirty like Old English lettering, and nothing says clean like cursive.

How I spend my time at work 1

Making rubber band balls.

So anyone who has ever made a rubber band ball knows, it is a long and patient process. I started this ball with ONE tiny rubber band. Be impressed. And this is it's progress at Day 2 weeks or something. There are probably like 30 rubber bands in there. I actually have no idea, and am notoriously awful at estimating, but just stop. Let yourself be impressed. I included the .5 mechanical pencil for a little perspective.

Here's the ball as of March 29th. I used a clip this time to show perspective. Boom, way bigger.

Okay, so it was the small clip. Still, just be impressed. They are hard to start. It is very similar to a gum wad. It's just not going to grow over night.


- Posted from dPhone

Crumb ate a gopher

And I've never been prouder. And like a good little boy watching his girlish figure, he purged that shit up. Look I don't know how many calories a gopher is, but better safe than sorry if you ask me. Oh bulimia jokes. Never get old. Anyway, even if he wasn't battling his own inner demons, I don't think his little tummy could handle digesting the skull of this miniature mole-like mammal. Plus, like they always say, better the skull come out the front than out the back. They don't always say that, but I'm sure it is easier to vomit a cranium that poo one out. Like the opposite of an arrow. Do not push it through!

As you can see if you look closely, this is the little punks head, complete with eye and extra throw-up.

What, not enough? What, you want more?

I had to quit. I was about to ralph a rodent myself.

Geocaching with Jerm

Don't know what geocaching is? That's fine. I'll help you figure it out. Just go to this link: www.google.com and type in "what is geocaching?"

Still don't know? Here are some pictorial clues:

1) He's looking for something....

2) That's obviously the wrong place.

3) We've found something.

4) Success!

The real success was Jeremy wearing cargo, sorry caching, pants. And as always, my Huckleberry Finn shorts.

Beach day with baby and friends.

This kid sure knows how to chill...

But he also knows how to party.

- Posted from dPhone

Another sign of a good weekend

Thinking this is super funny.

Phone in to-go container.

- Posted from dPhone

Sign of a good weekend.

She got bruised, I got a bad nights rest and a straw stuck up my vag.

Uh Grace, battered women of America called, they want their arm back.

And also Grace, good job on remembering how you got the bruise..... Not!

On another note, thank you me for the 90s jokes.

- Posted from dPhone

Tsunami warning in Pismo.

Watch out Pier Gifts.

Note: this picture is kinda old.

I just can't help but live a good natural disaster though.

- Posted from dPhone

Baby C is still way sick!

Getting stoked about the moon at such an early age!



Being fearless on a fence.



Already too cool for his own age. (I assure you that can is empty. By me. Not him.)




Being Cuter than a Who from Whoville.




Looking like an adopted baby from China.

- Posted from dPhone

The Amazing Moores

My dad and I are applying to be on The Amazing Race. It's his favorite show, and after he came and visited me in the Middies, I was convinced we could do well! I can calm him down when we are in chaos, and he can carry my crap when I'm being fragile. Both of us are analytical, adept, love adventure (life is such), and with enough effort and good luck, I think we could get pretty far.

The process to apply wasn't that hard, but we took it seriously. We had to each complete a 13 page application, a recent photo of the two of us, individual passport sized headshots, proof of passports, and my favorite slash the pain in my butt, a 3 minute video explaining, with personality, why we should be on The Amazing Race ON DVD.

This was all due together in El Segundo, CA by 5pm tomorrow. I had to overnight it this afternoon. Now we wait and pray. If we don't make it to be a semi finalist, we can't ever apply again, at least together not as the same team. So wish us luck! Or let's start making out own video as teammates, because I am getting on this show!

Shasha's in the army again

As of January 30th, Shasha is back in the Army.

The deets I know:

• Right now she is in South Carolina in some Southern Carolinian city for 25 or so days.
• Then she is going to Knoxville, Tennessee. Apparently that isn't just Jackass's name, but a city as well.
• In Knoxville she will train and prepare to leave for Afghanistan or Iraq. Also she will attempt to steal my best friend.
• There is a slight possibility that she will be stationed in Knoxville instead of leaving overseas. Enshallah.
• She is supposed to be gone for 400 days, with 2 periods of leave in between.
• Christian is here with me, mom, and dad. He goes to day care, 2.3 days a week.
• She is doing well enough. But she misses home. Of course.

2010! This year's gonna suck way less then 2k9!

Sorry guys, I understand it is already 1/12 over, but let us quickly address that it is a new year! It's 2010! We're into the tween years. That means we get to watch High School Musical marathons, listen to the Jonas Brothers, complain about how being the tallest girl in elementary school sucks, and how we are like so ready for like the junior high boys. Raaandooom*.

Now that we've formally said hello to 2010, we can greatfully say au revoir to the worst year yet.

I don't know about you, but 2009 was a pretty crappy year, and I think most of America would agree. I hear there was something going on with the economy, a new president is not really living up to expectations, gay marriage is still illegal, etc etc.

Last year I made some pretty attainable resolutions last year, and I don't think I completed one!

1. Stop procrastinating. Not really, although I don't have that many deadlines anymore.
2. Cook. Nope, only bake. I'm getting rear good at that though!
3. Get into a size 0. Egh. I was doing well pre-coming home. When you can't cook, you don't eat anything but carrots, when mom cooks you eat everything and don't run.
4. Read the classics. I think I read a total of 5 books this year. A few of which were "the classics." Baby steps.
5. Read the newspaper. Not exactly, but that's not my fault that physical media is dying out! I do keep up on my news blogs and crap.
6. Forget less. Still constantly losing my keys.
7. Save more money. I am selling my eggs for the 4th time. Meaning I have blown through 30 Gs. So, no, I have not saved more money.
8. Stop biting my nails. Current nail lenght- nubs.
9. Get smarter. Would require me to quit drinking.

New, New Years Resolutions for 2k10:

1. Budget better. After these eggiweggs, save save save!
2. Get to a size 2. 2010- size 2, 2011- size 0.
3. Read 1 book/2 weeks. More realistic, yet challenging.
4. Get a job. Not rubbing old people's feet.
5. Move out. Sounds easy enough...
6. Bag a babe. A babe. Not a dud.
7. Wear more heels and lipstick. Generally dress cuter.
8. Be nicer to Shasha. Sisters should be friends.
9. Write everyday. Blog, script, shorts., the works.
10. Study everyday. Languages, AFOGT, the works.
11. Exercise everyday. Outside, inside, yoga, running, the works.

*Said like a tween, not like what I was writing was random!

Crumb is the reason for the season!

Now I know I've been absent for the past few weeks, there were holidays, I was gone, it's a new year, whatever, so here is the whole collection of my Christmas Cards I sent out with Crumb. Sorry they're such low quality, but scanners be scanners.

Sacreligious- maybe, offensive- probably, creepy- kinda, genius- absolutely.

How to write a good Christmas song:

As you all know, we are pretty deep into the holiday season now, so I thought it appropriate to write a how-to article on composing a Christmas song. Now I'll be honest, I have never written a song before, except if you count my voicemails (which you do, because we all know each is a stoke of genius), so I don't really have the authority, but I do enjoy music, especially seasonal sonnets, and I am confident in my observational skills so much that I could aid someone else in putting together their Christmas chorus with their jubilant jams.

Now preheat at 375, and in a loose specific order, here is your hit making recipe:

1) Music:

a. Think of what kind of sound you want- acoustic, orchestral, or electronic, then choose your bells accordingly. With an acoustic song you'll want jingle bells, orchestral it'll be brass bells, and then for electronic just use the synthesized bell sound on your keyboard or computer.

b. If you want add is some Santa sound effects or reindeer hooves.

2) Lyrics:

a. Make sure the words are holiday themed. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Black Person Christmas, whatever you feel like. Sing about Santa, chimneys, trees, snow, bells, presents, silver bells, jingle bells, ringing bells, carols, being alone and/or heartbroken, ginger bread, sleigh bells, kissing, mistletoe, red and green, candy canes, eggnog, booze, being drunk with your family, getting pissed at your family, etc. Get creative.

b. Get rid of the pesky v in every over you put in your song, but only when you need that extra syllable. Actually, just get rid of it and make it work on your own.

3) Sing:

a. You or someone with a better voice must sing the song you just wrote.

b. Get some back up singers, ie a Southern Baptists gospel choir, a regular gospel choir, some tinsley/old timey/WWII sounding female singers, and or kids, people love creepy singing kids.

Bake for 30 mins and let cool for 15, and if all goes well, it serves infinite for years to come!

What is up with this?!

Now I am not exactly sure what the S.W.A.T. team does or even what it stands for, but alls I know is they're bad ass, and I have never seen them before in real life. Only in the movies. I guess Santa Maria has their own branch of them though. That's normal right?! Not racist at all? To like have their own branch in America's highest birthrate city of primarily Latinos? This was taken in Pismo though. Not even the same county as Spanta. I'm just saying, they may be out of their jurisdiction. I saw Super Troopers, I know how this works. But San Luis may not have their own division, or branch, or sect, or whatever. They may not have as many situations that require this advanced team, and when need be, we just borrow from our more populated, crimeful neighboring county.

This is the white version of the truck.



And 10 paces behind, this is the black. I'm just kidding, it was really in front of the white truck, like a shield or a minuteman, I just couldn't get my phone out quickly enough to take a good picture of the armored vehicle. Look closely in the mirror, but warning; objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear! Not really, but kinda.


Shout out to Courtney "XLV" Pierceco- you may recognize this terrain as the same location we were heroes!

UPDATE: S.W.A.T. stands for Special Weapons And Tactics. Now what does F.R.I.E.N.D.S stand for? And since when do we include and in acronyms?

Drama at the old people home!

So I'm working the other day, of course the other day, because I'm back to being unemployed (ineligible to collect though unfortunately). Anyway, I noticed that my view was being obstructed by AGPD.

If you look closely you can see her being handcuffed. No z0om on dPhone ya know?! Bunk.

Apparently one of the resident's daughter dabbles in the drugs, so naturally this small town's police department was creaming at the idea of any action. Three police cars, a tow truck, and a nasty white Altima later, they were able to arrest the meth head. Sadly they pulled out an empty car seat, meaning there is a broken family behind her pocked skin and surprisingly well fed belly. She did have bouncy hair though, but I was immediately elbowed for mentioning my jealousy. I guess it's impolite to envy those being arrested. Whatever, she should have been working those golden locks instead of working that glass pipe. That's mean. I'm sorry. We don't know her whole story. At least I didn't make her get on her knees to read her her rights. Now that is mean!

Here she is being read her rights on her knees while the back up police man is removing paraphernalia from her car. Seriously, I bet Droid has a zoom.

Getting arrested really is a spectator sport. We had a crowd of at least 30 in the lobby, including my boss, a handful of residents, and my trainee. I quickly got bored though, and took my lunch. That is way more exciting than some crack who-er getting put in the pokey. I put on my lip gloss though just in case I were to say, bump into one of the dreamboat officers. That is where my life is at.

Those old people do love them some dramz though!

Let the baking begin!

Holidays really bring out the baker in us all. So does the bologna and the Costco sized mayonnaise in the back of the fridge. These are chocolate cookies sandwiched around some homemade peppermint frosting, lined with crushed candy canes. I know there is a clever name out there for them. I've been calling them Inuit Turds, to be politically correct of course. But I've been tossing around Eskimo Chalupas, Reindeer Dung, and Santa Patties. Everyone else just calls them delicious. Except my dad. He only likes his peppermint in booze form. But hey, who can really say no to Rumplemintz?! I know not me. Or Sean. Or Shannon.


- Posted from dPhone