Life is such an adventure.

Pit stop

2010-06-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

The good news is I'm on my way to visit CP in Huntsville. The bad news is someone started to die on the flight. We took a detour in Memphis and now we're still waiting. I'll keep you posted. Or I won't. Just a heads up.

UPDATE: the dude had asthma. Nerd.

UPDATE 2: on standby for an over-sold flight. At least I look good AND I'm comfortable. If I don't get on, I'll have to stay the night in the Best Western Airport East Hotel ATL. Let's hope it doesn't resort to that.

UPDATE 3: I am at the hotel. Boooo.

UPDATE 4 (and final): I made it to Huntsville and it's beautiful.

- Posted from dPhone

It's coming

2010-05-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Danapolooza.
7:00 pm.
May 22nd.
Avila Beach.
Bonfire and debauchery.

The man, the legend, the dood behind these bitchen posters: James Edmondson.

Cinco de Crumb.

2010-05-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

It was Crumb's golden year this year. 05/05/05 turning 5. Good job him. He made it this long without me running him over. Too soon... ALWAYS MOTHER F*****S!

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO JOKE ABOUT IT.... ONLY ME.

So without further adieu, Crumbapolooza--

Crumb relaxing:

Crumb hanging out with friends:

Crumb enjoying a stogy, aka bull wiener...:

And, as always, Crumb bushed from a hard day's fun!:

I love you Crumbothy Danger Moore!

You're the bomb, and an awesome friend.

My mom got a helicopter stuck in her head.

2010-05-13T00:31:00.001-07:00

It was hilarious.

Not as much to her as it was to me and Pops.

Again, super funny, but simultaneously tragic.
No, only tragic.
Not funny at all...

I turned 24

2010-05-13T00:26:00.000-07:00

And like Jack Bauer I took matters into my own hands.

(Beached baby seal)

I save some sea wild life.

Took my pug on a walk.

Made my own dessert.

Injected that shit with some filling.

Renamed NASA. You thought it wasn't possible, it is. Boom.

Note: I do not even watch 24. I just let Courtney talk to me about it 24/7, so I basically watch it.
Second Note: My friend Jasmine made me this NASA poster last year, but I'm still super stoked on it, so it's going to go up every year until NASA gets the hint.

Cookie and Crumb

2010-05-13T00:20:00.001-07:00

Milo and Otis ain't got shit on my dog and his second best friend.

Me being his first best friend, doy.

That's me petting his ears, not forcing him to look at a camera.

- Posted from dPhone

Uh oh.

2010-04-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

I need a new black eye shadow. This one's cursed.

Tell me that doesn't look like a skull. You can't. My eyeshadow is possesed by a dead baby or perhaps a sloth.

- Posted from dPhone

Spring had sprung

2010-04-01T02:56:00.001-07:00

And it looks good.

At the risk of sounding douchey, the smell of jasmines really do bring me back to my Arabian nights.

- Posted from dPhone

How I spend my time at work 3

2010-04-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

Data entry

Custom House in Avila has this special where you get a free meal on your birthday month. So when the birthday specials get used, I input them into the database. I get to see their address, birthday, and even what they ordered. Most of the names are boring, but some are not:

You've got to be joking me right?!

But no, this dude turned like 50 and ordered like a steak and wine.

Word to the wise, if your name is Richard Caddy, do not go by Dick.

How I spend my time at work 2

2010-04-01T01:54:00.001-07:00

Crafts

Quick background- we have a dishwasher. There is no set cleaning schedule. So on occasion, you don't know if the dishes are dirty or clean. Here was my solution.

With the help of my beautiful assistant/apprentice, Larissa from the Compass Health, Inc. Art Department (that's the Inc. part of Compass Health), I made some handy dishwasher labels.

Dirty

(Front, or really back)

Clean

(Back, or could be front)

These were the prototypes before I acquired Larissa's expertise.Because nothing says dirty like Old English lettering, and nothing says clean like cursive.

How I spend my time at work 1

2010-04-01T01:53:00.001-07:00

Making rubber band balls.

So anyone who has ever made a rubber band ball knows, it is a long and patient process. I started this ball with ONE tiny rubber band. Be impressed. And this is it's progress at Day 2 weeks or something. There are probably like 30 rubber bands in there. I actually have no idea, and am notoriously awful at estimating, but just stop. Let yourself be impressed. I included the .5 mechanical pencil for a little perspective.

Here's the ball as of March 29th. I used a clip this time to show perspective. Boom, way bigger.

Okay, so it was the small clip. Still, just be impressed. They are hard to start. It is very similar to a gum wad. It's just not going to grow over night.

- Posted from dPhone

Crumb ate a gopher

2010-04-01T01:52:00.003-07:00

And I've never been prouder. And like a good little boy watching his girlish figure, he purged that shit up. Look I don't know how many calories a gopher is, but better safe than sorry if you ask me. Oh bulimia jokes. Never get old. Anyway, even if he wasn't battling his own inner demons, I don't think his little tummy could handle digesting the skull of this miniature mole-like mammal. Plus, like they always say, better the skull come out the front than out the back. They don't always say that, but I'm sure it is easier to vomit a cranium that poo one out. Like the opposite of an arrow. Do not push it through!

As you can see if you look closely, this is the little punks head, complete with eye and extra throw-up.

What, not enough? What, you want more?

I had to quit. I was about to ralph a rodent myself.

Geocaching with Jerm

2010-04-01T01:52:00.001-07:00

Don't know what geocaching is? That's fine. I'll help you figure it out. Just go to this link: www.google.com and type in "what is geocaching?"

Still don't know? Here are some pictorial clues:

1) He's looking for something....

2) That's obviously the wrong place.

3) We've found something.

4) Success!

The real success was Jeremy wearing cargo, sorry caching, pants. And as always, my Huckleberry Finn shorts.

Beach day with baby and friends.

2010-04-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

This kid sure knows how to chill...

But he also knows how to party.

- Posted from dPhone

Another sign of a good weekend

2010-04-01T00:36:00.001-07:00

Thinking this is super funny.

Phone in to-go container.

- Posted from dPhone

Sign of a good weekend.

2010-04-01T00:35:00.001-07:00

She got bruised, I got a bad nights rest and a straw stuck up my vag.

Uh Grace, battered women of America called, they want their arm back.

And also Grace, good job on remembering how you got the bruise..... Not!

On another note, thank you me for the 90s jokes.

- Posted from dPhone

Tsunami warning in Pismo.

2010-04-01T00:32:00.001-07:00

Watch out Pier Gifts.

Note: this picture is kinda old.

I just can't help but live a good natural disaster though.

- Posted from dPhone

Baby C is still way sick!

2010-02-21T19:12:00.001-08:00

Getting stoked about the moon at such an early age!

Being fearless on a fence.

Already too cool for his own age. (I assure you that can is empty. By me. Not him.)

Being Cuter than a Who from Whoville.

Looking like an adopted baby from China.

- Posted from dPhone

The Amazing Moores

2010-02-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

My dad and I are applying to be on The Amazing Race. It's his favorite show, and after he came and visited me in the Middies, I was convinced we could do well! I can calm him down when we are in chaos, and he can carry my crap when I'm being fragile. Both of us are analytical, adept, love adventure (life is such), and with enough effort and good luck, I think we could get pretty far.

The process to apply wasn't that hard, but we took it seriously. We had to each complete a 13 page application, a recent photo of the two of us, individual passport sized headshots, proof of passports, and my favorite slash the pain in my butt, a 3 minute video explaining, with personality, why we should be on The Amazing Race ON DVD.

This was all due together in El Segundo, CA by 5pm tomorrow. I had to overnight it this afternoon. Now we wait and pray. If we don't make it to be a semi finalist, we can't ever apply again, at least together not as the same team. So wish us luck! Or let's start making out own video as teammates, because I am getting on this show!

Shasha's in the army again

2010-02-04T00:50:00.001-08:00

As of January 30th, Shasha is back in the Army.

The deets I know:

Right now she is in South Carolina in some Southern Carolinian city for 25 or so days.
Then she is going to Knoxville, Tennessee. Apparently that isn't just Jackass's name, but a city as well.
In Knoxville she will train and prepare to leave for Afghanistan or Iraq. Also she will attempt to steal my best friend.
There is a slight possibility that she will be stationed in Knoxville instead of leaving overseas. Enshallah.
She is supposed to be gone for 400 days, with 2 periods of leave in between.
Christian is here with me, mom, and dad. He goes to day care, 2.3 days a week.
She is doing well enough. But she misses home. Of course.

2010! This year's gonna suck way less then 2k9!

2010-01-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I understand it is already 1/12 over, but let us quickly address that it is a new year! It's 2010! We're into the tween years. That means we get to watch High School Musical marathons, listen to the Jonas Brothers, complain about how being the tallest girl in elementary school sucks, and how we are like so ready for like the junior high boys. Raaandooom*.

Now that we've formally said hello to 2010, we can greatfully say au revoir to the worst year yet.

I don't know about you, but 2009 was a pretty crappy year, and I think most of America would agree. I hear there was something going on with the economy, a new president is not really living up to expectations, gay marriage is still illegal, etc etc.

Last year I made some pretty attainable resolutions last year, and I don't think I completed one!

Stop procrastinating. Not really, although I don't have that many deadlines anymore.
Cook. Nope, only bake. I'm getting rear good at that though!
Get into a size 0. Egh. I was doing well pre-coming home. When you can't cook, you don't eat anything but carrots, when mom cooks you eat everything and don't run.
Read the classics. I think I read a total of 5 books this year. A few of which were "the classics." Baby steps.
Read the newspaper. Not exactly, but that's not my fault that physical media is dying out! I do keep up on my news blogs and crap.
Forget less. Still constantly losing my keys.
Save more money. I am selling my eggs for the 4th time. Meaning I have blown through 30 Gs. So, no, I have not saved more money.
Stop biting my nails. Current nail lenght- nubs.
Get smarter. Would require me to quit drinking.

New, New Years Resolutions for 2k10:

Budget better. After these eggiweggs, save save save!
Get to a size 2. 2010- size 2, 2011- size 0.
Read 1 book/2 weeks. More realistic, yet challenging.
Get a job. Not rubbing old people's feet.
Move out. Sounds easy enough...
Bag a babe. A babe. Not a dud.
Wear more heels and lipstick. Generally dress cuter.
Be nicer to Shasha. Sisters should be friends.
Write everyday. Blog, script, shorts., the works.
Study everyday. Languages, AFOGT, the works.
Exercise everyday. Outside, inside, yoga, running, the works.

*Said like a tween, not like what I was writing was random!

Crumb is the reason for the season!

2010-01-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

Now I know I've been absent for the past few weeks, there were holidays, I was gone, it's a new year, whatever, so here is the whole collection of my Christmas Cards I sent out with Crumb. Sorry they're such low quality, but scanners be scanners.

Sacreligious- maybe, offensive- probably, creepy- kinda, genius- absolutely.

How to write a good Christmas song:

2009-12-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

As you all know, we are pretty deep into the holiday season now, so I thought it appropriate to write a how-to article on composing a Christmas song. Now I'll be honest, I have never written a song before, except if you count my voicemails (which you do, because we all know each is a stoke of genius), so I don't really have the authority, but I do enjoy music, especially seasonal sonnets, and I am confident in my observational skills so much that I could aid someone else in putting together their Christmas chorus with their jubilant jams.

Now preheat at 375, and in a loose specific order, here is your hit making recipe:

1) Music:

a. Think of what kind of sound you want- acoustic, orchestral, or electronic, then choose your bells accordingly. With an acoustic song you'll want jingle bells, orchestral it'll be brass bells, and then for electronic just use the synthesized bell sound on your keyboard or computer.

b. If you want add is some Santa sound effects or reindeer hooves.

2) Lyrics:

a. Make sure the words are holiday themed. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Black Person Christmas, whatever you feel like. Sing about Santa, chimneys, trees, snow, bells, presents, silver bells, jingle bells, ringing bells, carols, being alone and/or heartbroken, ginger bread, sleigh bells, kissing, mistletoe, red and green, candy canes, eggnog, booze, being drunk with your family, getting pissed at your family, etc. Get creative.

b. Get rid of the pesky v in every over you put in your song, but only when you need that extra syllable. Actually, just get rid of it and make it work on your own.

3) Sing:

a. You or someone with a better voice must sing the song you just wrote.

b. Get some back up singers, ie a Southern Baptists gospel choir, a regular gospel choir, some tinsley/old timey/WWII sounding female singers, and or kids, people love creepy singing kids.

Bake for 30 mins and let cool for 15, and if all goes well, it serves infinite for years to come!

What is up with this?!

2009-12-09T21:00:00.001-08:00

Now I am not exactly sure what the S.W.A.T. team does or even what it stands for, but alls I know is they're bad ass, and I have never seen them before in real life. Only in the movies. I guess Santa Maria has their own branch of them though. That's normal right?! Not racist at all? To like have their own branch in America's highest birthrate city of primarily Latinos? This was taken in Pismo though. Not even the same county as Spanta. I'm just saying, they may be out of their jurisdiction. I saw Super Troopers, I know how this works. But San Luis may not have their own division, or branch, or sect, or whatever. They may not have as many situations that require this advanced team, and when need be, we just borrow from our more populated, crimeful neighboring county.

This is the white version of the truck.

And 10 paces behind, this is the black. I'm just kidding, it was really in front of the white truck, like a shield or a minuteman, I just couldn't get my phone out quickly enough to take a good picture of the armored vehicle. Look closely in the mirror, but warning; objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear! Not really, but kinda.

Shout out to Courtney "XLV" Pierceco- you may recognize this terrain as the same location we were heroes!

UPDATE: S.W.A.T. stands for Special Weapons And Tactics. Now what does F.R.I.E.N.D.S stand for? And since when do we include and in acronyms?

Drama at the old people home!

2009-12-09T20:42:00.001-08:00

So I'm working the other day, of course the other day, because I'm back to being unemployed (ineligible to collect though unfortunately). Anyway, I noticed that my view was being obstructed by AGPD.

If you look closely you can see her being handcuffed. No z0om on dPhone ya know?! Bunk.

Apparently one of the resident's daughter dabbles in the drugs, so naturally this small town's police department was creaming at the idea of any action. Three police cars, a tow truck, and a nasty white Altima later, they were able to arrest the meth head. Sadly they pulled out an empty car seat, meaning there is a broken family behind her pocked skin and surprisingly well fed belly. She did have bouncy hair though, but I was immediately elbowed for mentioning my jealousy. I guess it's impolite to envy those being arrested. Whatever, she should have been working those golden locks instead of working that glass pipe. That's mean. I'm sorry. We don't know her whole story. At least I didn't make her get on her knees to read her her rights. Now that is mean!

Here she is being read her rights on her knees while the back up police man is removing paraphernalia from her car. Seriously, I bet Droid has a zoom.

Getting arrested really is a spectator sport. We had a crowd of at least 30 in the lobby, including my boss, a handful of residents, and my trainee. I quickly got bored though, and took my lunch. That is way more exciting than some crack who-er getting put in the pokey. I put on my lip gloss though just in case I were to say, bump into one of the dreamboat officers. That is where my life is at.

Those old people do love them some dramz though!

Let the baking begin!

2009-12-09T20:31:00.001-08:00

Holidays really bring out the baker in us all. So does the bologna and the Costco sized mayonnaise in the back of the fridge. These are chocolate cookies sandwiched around some homemade peppermint frosting, lined with crushed candy canes. I know there is a clever name out there for them. I've been calling them Inuit Turds, to be politically correct of course. But I've been tossing around Eskimo Chalupas, Reindeer Dung, and Santa Patties. Everyone else just calls them delicious. Except my dad. He only likes his peppermint in booze form. But hey, who can really say no to Rumplemintz?! I know not me. Or Sean. Or Shannon.

- Posted from dPhone

A very Central Coast Christmas!

2009-12-09T20:26:00.001-08:00

It was raining today and cold as balls. I mean like 50 degrees or even lower! Living on the Cen Coast is so hard!

But isn't it so pretty!?

She's pretty too!
And our new tree and fireplace!

Party Chat!

2009-12-09T20:16:00.001-08:00

Though we weren't all together physically- mentally and technologically we were!!

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

I'm most thankful for everyone not calling it Turkey Day.

In other breaking news: Jessica cut her hair!
Key yute!

Cat sitting for the King/Street/Kingstreetss

2009-11-22T16:42:00.001-08:00

Because nothing makes you miss your friend more than staying at his empty house while his parents are visiting him, and playing with his lonely cat!

Here's little Sebastian giving a big cat stretch.
(insert Courtney's EW here)

Like father like son. Catt Ralph.
(insert everyone's EW here)

- Posted from dPhone

Waning Gibbous

2009-11-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

dPhone doesn't do the moon justice. I'll tell you though, she is big, yellow and creepy. Just like a Japanese Artie Lange, except less smelly, way cooler and doesn't have a gambling problem.

- Posted from dPhone

the rest of my movie shoot pics

2009-11-03T18:55:00.001-08:00

As promised, here are some more pictures from when I was a big deal script supervisor for the Biz.

Day 1~I meet the crew and get my bearings.

The make-up crew from left to right: Tom, Andrea, Gregory Paul Smith (was actually the monster when in costume), Billy Idol Wannabe.

Shooting a hospital scene at University of Hancock.

The scriptee in the yellow flower.

Adonis and Felix, whose real name is Bryan.

Totally not bored, and apparently really rocking at my job.

Day 2-5~ The haunted Price House! Although I used to love this place for the memories it gave me, now I loath it for the pain it brought me. 18 hour days, pissing in the dark, avoiding black widows crawling up my bum... These were some of the happier moments.

Day time spooky.

Getting set up. I had a crush on her bf.

Ben, Matt, Adonis.

Night time spooky.

Monsters have to text too.

Working hard or hardly working. I was reading scripts. That's was we do.

Adonis, the cinematographer, and this kid who is in drama school. He's an actor. He worked with the Metchiks. I can't remember his name, but he was cool enough, except he told the director I lied to him. I was like 100% responsibility buddy, I didn't promise there was going to be ice cream in the ice chest, I said if there was going to be any, it would be where they keep the ice.
Boom.

I was upstairs helping with a scene but staying out of the way. The Price house is very small.

Movie magic.

2009, sans my BFFF.

Circa 2003 avec Mes Amis a Jamais.

Day The-rest-of-them-were-a-blur~ We shot at Ben, the director's parents' house. We finally get to see some serious blood.

You know you're scared.

Oh wait it's daylight.

Mayank. My dad took the stains out of his clothes. His body double was very realistic... This also was well after 8 takes. We were having some major technical difficulties.

Doing my part to keep things going smoothly.

Day I-wished-I-was-sleeping~ We did get to shoot at the Saint Pat's cemetary! That was super cool. Kinda.

Spooky gates.

Pallbearers.

Crazy Mike. Loves to talk. Loves to talk about fighting. Loves to demonstrate. Loves to demonstrate fighting on the crew.

We feared (for) him.

Day towards the end~ We shot at the Z club during the day. Bars are always so depressing during the day. Even weirder on a Sunday. I've never been to the Z club, but from the looks of it, I will never go back.

Ben recognized some real potential in me. I got to use some of my acting chops and "pretend" to be a bar patron, a role I've been preparing for for a life time. I'm super method okay.

Day I forget~ Montana de Oro. God is good.

Spooky lighting, I know right!? Most pictures courtesy of Will the dramatic lighting guy.

A lot of standing (me sitting around).

More like Fertileville. Brett, the AD (Assistant Director, I think, although I was convinced it meant Art Director) consoling me on why it is okay to be baron. Little does he know.

Waiting for the weather to get better so we could shoot. We had to keep the continuity of the lighting correct. The integrity of the film was at stake!

Day Almost Finished~ Shot in the back of Avila, like behind Gopher Glen's on the other side of the hill, on a ranch of a friend of Adonis's. Got that.

The Monster. Aka Gregory Paul Smith.

Deputy FISHMASTER! Can you bail me now?! Can you bail me now?!

The majority of the cast and crew.
Starting with Canadian Tux dude on the top left: Jeff Ryan (Death Factory), Kristin Lorenz (Worm Whole Chasers), Andrea (make-up dept.) Rachel Balzer (Zombie Farm, Lizard Boy), Gregory Paul Smith (the monster), Matt O'Neill (A Feast of Flesh*), Reggie Banister (super famous D movie star, Phantasm**), Dave (Megan's law dude), Carl Edge (local celeb), Adonis (cameraman extraordinaire), Will (behind that shade, looking like a fool; lighting stresser), and me (cold and listening to my music).
Bottom two: Ben Cooper (the director), Felix (boom mic dude).

*Not a porno.
** Also not a porno.

BFF

2009-10-31T01:47:00.001-07:00

I've never smelt so much vomit in my life and I went to UCSB.

His mom was a great help.

J Tits was a great sport.

He definitely ralphed all night.

But I love him as my bro.

Even when he pukes on my hand.

Xoxochodep

- Posted from dPhone

Top of the morning to ya.

2009-10-24T23:01:00.001-07:00

So while I was at the gas station buying some Sparks Light with Shannon:

I picked up some new Burger King brand chips. They are onion ring flavor. I don't even like onion rings! It's just I'm such a sucker for new things.

After trying them, I'll tell you I'm not exactly convinced, but they did have some Funyun flavored dusty goodness.

Best part.

- Posted from dPhone

My fortune.

2009-10-24T22:53:00.001-07:00

Dear world,

Prepare yourself.

Your Friend,

Dana

This IS it.

2009-10-23T00:31:00.001-07:00

May Michael rest in peace.

Sold out in a theatre near you, October 28.

- Posted from dPhone

Crime Balls Pierce is an idiot

2009-10-23T00:18:00.001-07:00

Nuff said.

- Posted from dPhone

Making connections

2009-10-23T00:15:00.001-07:00

Getting rides.

I hich-hiked back to the parking structure in this:

- Posted from dPhone

Toilet

2009-10-21T02:38:00.000-07:00

Not the big one. The little one.

- Posted from dPhone

Home

2009-10-21T00:22:00.001-07:00

Is Taco Bell.

Had to try the new Black Jack Taco. Totes worth it for sures.

Bethany agrees.

Except she got nachos supreme. She was not thinking outside the bun (tm) I'll tell you that.

-Posted from dPhone

Finally at the doctor

2009-10-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

Mom dragged me to the clinic today to get my eye checked out. First we went to CHC, but it was filled with too many depressed poor people. Then we went to the pharmisist next door, but the dude couldn't tell his elbow from his ass. So then we went to Med Stop, waited for 20 mins, took this picture, got no answers to as why my eye was so gross, then had to pay 110 dollars. No answers. Just mom's monies.

This is my nasty eye.

- Posted from dPhone

Totally hireable!

2009-10-18T01:46:00.001-07:00

Before my interview.

After the interview.

It was an awful job though and I totally will have to regretfully decline. Sorry weird marketing yob of the 21sr century, I was nor convinced.

TSDFi3D

2009-10-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Toy Story Double Feature in 3D.

Look closely and you can see Jdong and Jtits in their glorious glasses.

Oh, and admission was $13.50. I was livid and yelled at the high schooler manning the kiosk that 13.50 was highway robbery! Who does Regal Cinemas Arroyo Grande think they are?! A Wilson Phillips concert?! (Ooh too soon??!) That's a small fortune for, albeit, 2.75 hours of 3D viewing pleasure, but come on! We've already seen them both when they came out the first time, we already own them both on DVD (and VHS), and we already planned on seeing the third when it comes out in 2010! Cut us a little break Pixar and/or the theater. You just cost me two number 14s from MacDonald's for something I could have done for free at home. I already had the specks I didn't recycle from Up, although they're a little ruined by tears, spit, and snot... But a little elbow grease and they'll be as good as new. Okay, so the preview for A Christmas Carol was dizzifying/nauseating and cool at the same time, and the intermission was new and awesome (for a 4 year old), but none the less, it was expensive.

So next time I see TSDFi3D, I'm not buying a ticket. That's right, I'm just walking in. No ticket. Ooh but then I can't go to Burrito Loco at intermission. Oh TSDFi3D, you've got me this time.

What in the world?!

2009-10-13T12:36:00.001-07:00

Ice caps melting, ozones depleting, and blackberries getting gianter.

Bitch Sitting

2009-10-13T12:23:00.001-07:00

Meet Zoe the Scottish Terrier. She's cute, cuddley, and doesn't bark with an accent.

And Belle the Beagle. She's nothing like Snoopy but she does like to give kisses and eat poo.

Together they are a force of cuteness to be reckoned with.

Free at last

2009-10-04T16:34:00.001-07:00

For the past 1 million hours of my life I have been diligently giving my blood, sweat, and tears to a low budget horror movie being filmed in the lovely Central Coast. I thought, hey I'm interested in production, I LOVE monster movies, and I don't have anything better to really be doing, why not?

Oh boy, I was not prepared to say the least.

This is what making a B movie looks like:

But now I'm finished. Can I get a whoop whoop!

I'll post some more pics soon enough. In the meantime, keep an eye out for Primitive on Sci Fi (aka Sy Fy) slash straight to Blockbuster (aka Japan).

Nephew time

2009-09-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's not racist if I'm ironically aware of how adorable Christian looks like as a pickaninny.

Pixar, will you marry me?

2009-09-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

To have and to hold, through crunchy and shaved ice, until death do us part??

Please say you do.

Baby

2009-09-27T22:25:00.001-07:00

Looks like Russell from Up.

I mean, I've been to Pixar, I should know.

Happy Birthday JAMES!

2009-08-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

I can only say good things about this kid, and by kid I mean 22 year old giant, and by only say good things, I mean there are plenty of things I could complain about, one being his douche bag hair, two being his douche bag hair.

Other than that, he deserves the best birthday of human kind (after of course any Danapalooza)!

Happy birthday Jimmy!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Will work for food.

2009-08-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Not really, but what I will work for is money.

I'm unemployed and willing to do whatever it takes to move me out of AG. I've sold my body once (or three times), and I'm not above selling it again!

In order to get me a job, I've hired a team of trained professionals: resume savvy Crime Balls to make me sound qualified enough to preform rocket surgery whilst teaching babies, and Jimilo Pitts to make it athletically pleasing and irresistible to the potential employers!

If you know of anyone who needs someone who can teach the shit out of babies, assist the shit out of executives, or sell the shit out of souvenirs, you tell them my name, and I'll send them my resume. Any other job openings, let the boss know that what I lack in over all experience and education, I make up for in tenacity and downright charm!

Doing my part

2009-08-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

Watch my friend Evan Barrett represent the shit out of the homoerotic rap game. To what I understand is there is a market, and now they have a theme!

More importantly, you'll see yours truly making a shameless cameo around the 40 second mark!

Tweeting Twats

2009-08-22T22:19:00.001-07:00

Grace, Dana, Courtney, and Amie now have a Twitter.

Now you too can follow our every move! Because we're interesting and trendy.

@gradanacourtmie

(or however I would say that that is our account)

We have a joint email too:

gradanacourtamie@gmail.com

(slightly a little different than our twit, Amie's full name is in this one). Go ahead and hit us up, but do not dare forward us shit. We will not read it, nor continue it's forward momentum.

Jeremy got married to Jessica.

2009-08-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

J Dong + J Tits
4
Eva

Matt's haircut

2009-08-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Glass finally cut his hair (1 month ago) so he no longer looks like a very Irish Gene Wilder, and I was there to capture the moments, also to cut it.

Before.

First snips!

Working diligently.

Preparing the mullet.

Getting some help from Akasha.

The Billy Ray.

Cleaning it up.

The Mat-tail.

Et voila! Now he is practically an adult and ready for Europe.

She's BACK!

2009-08-22T21:15:00.001-07:00

It's been a while, but I have a ton to talk about!

1) I saw Synecdoche, NY. It is not about linguistics. I don't know what it's about really. But it's weird as crap and you should probably not see it. It isn't bad, but most people wouldn't like it.

2) Matt moved out of this country. I miss him already. Denmark can S my D.

3) A snail woke me up on my window the other day. He was squeeking with his slime, and I thought was a raccoon.

Never Can Say Goodbye

2009-07-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

Here we are appropriately showing our respect to the late king, waiting for Justin to get his act together so we could hurry up and get to Staples, "Michael's home."

Aug 29th? Christian's bday? And.... the King's bday!

Boom.

I'm back!

2009-07-06T12:03:00.001-07:00

Not only am I back in the most amazing country (let alone state) in the world, but I am no longer private!

So come one, come all and read my sassy crassy blog without my permission!

I can't get fired anymore, so it really doesn't matter who can see it!

PS up coming blogs about my last days in the UAE will still be posted.

Counting down the hours

2009-06-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

As I am packing right now I am thinking about the few things I will actually miss about this here place I affectionately call, World's Smallest Shithole, or the Latin term, Ruwais.

First and most importantly/obviously, I am going to miss Tang is it's abundance here.... Not really, but I did used to be obsessed with the tasty orange powder drink. I was pretty convinced that if I drank enough I would grow up to be an astronaut. Instead I just grew.

Anyway, the real list of things I am going to miss:

My kiddies. In no specific, yet completely specific order: tied for first- Ghina, Hessa, Nitish, and Zayed Zeail. Coming in second: Merssal, Alreem, Zayed Al Hosani, Bryan, Eman, Tariq, Mutia, Jacob, and Weam. Third, for indefinite reasons, Masud, Sevina, Pradita, Abdul Rahman, Rahaf, Nekesha, Waad. And rounding up the end: Danis, Mugesh, and Asad. Oh and Ariha, rhymes with diarrhea. She is the last last, in fact, she goes on the list below. Is it mean that I kinda want to send 4th place to the list-of-things-I-won't-miss... Welp too late. It's done in mind.
My friends.
The smell of the Arabian nights. It actually smells like warm jasmines. It's what I hope Agrabah to smell like.
Being a local celebrity. If I wasn't the girl on the bike, I was the blond harlot, or the teacher that went to jail.
Being stared at because I was pretty. (Or slutty looking... whichever they thought, I was okay with the little attention that boosted the self esteem.)
Getting to the front of the lines because I am a helpless girl.
My vacations. I had a lot and I got to go many a places in the span of a short time. This year, I have seen the Taj, the Great Wall, and the Great Pryamids, not to mention, I live in the Middle East.
My bike. Although her tires weren't meant for this heat, she did me well, and deserves a loving home.
Same, same. Ask me later and I'll explain if you want.
Tang.

Thing I am not going to miss:

Choueifat. This school has a backwards thought on teaching, let alone kindergarten. I shouldn't have felt stressed if my kids were out of their seats. I should have been able to encourage it. I shouldn't have to sneak treats to them and they shouldn't have to be in school 7 hours a day with only 1 hour of art a week. This school is an idiot mess, and I feel sorry for any graduate of it. They truely missed out on a childhood.
The drama that goes with being in a ridiculously small town. Too many people up in your biznas!
My living situation. You don't know how lucky you are when you get assigned housing with (or near) awesome people until you get assigned housing with lame ones.
Being uncomfortable in anything western thing I wore. No, not my cowboy boots and chaps, I'm talking about my ankle baring skirts and my elbow showing shirts.
Sweating.
Being thought of as a helpless girl.
My 4th and 5th place kids.
Crappy internet and phone.
Missing my family and friends.
A 25 hour journey to get here/there.
Not being able to buy any fruit or veggies that taste good.
Taking on lame British/Irish slang.
Not speaking proper English because I can't speak proper Arabic.
Rudeness and racism. I am guilty of it too. It is something that inadvertently happens when you are abroad too long in a place that is enveloped with it.

Well it looks like I am going to not miss things more than I am going to miss them. Guess I am meant to go home. Even if I was going to miss more things, I would add some more on the no list to prove I belong at home.

See y'all in a matter of hours (or days, but really a day is 24 hours, so technically....)

Worst Weekend Ever!

2009-06-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was my second to last in the UAE (THANK THE GOOD LORD TOO!). It was awful. To do it as long-story-short as possible I'll organize it with bullet points, but first you should know that Jasmine and I had tickets for 6:50 am on Friday and 7:50 pm on Saturday. Also we were planned to stay with our friend Dianne (from India) who just moved into a 13 room villa/mansion. Okay, bullet points, here we go.

Forced to take the early bus from Ruwais to Abu Dhabi at 6:50 so less sleep. (boo hoo)
Bus forgets to pick us up, regardless of us having a ticket. We take the crap school bus instead at 7:40. It's a Tata without working AC. It's 110, but 10 am.
Text Dianne to let her know what time we are getting into AD (around 11).
Get dropped off at the mall, but we are toting around luggage for the weekend in Abu Dhabi, so we go to drop it off at Checked Baggage.
The dude working Checked Baggage will not accept our stuff, is rude, and screams at us saying "[we] are using him." (This is his job. Like I could understand if he worked at security or something, but no. He is employed to keep bags safe... Plus he was a total douche)
Call Dianne, and her phone is off (noon now).
Get lunch, fairly decent.
Get a wax. Most painful wax ever. She was all thumbs and I'm pretty sure she burnt me.
Continue to call Dianne with no avail. Call Dianne's housemates. They haven't seen her all day.
Go to another mall where we can get mani/pedis. Jasmine's pedicurist, named Juvi, makes 3 of her toes bleed profusely.
Give up on Dianne, book a relatively cheap 4 star hotel. The Novotel.
Get a text from Dianne, a text! not a call! saying "sorry, I didn't have my phone all day." So we call her and she doesn't answer. So we call her again, and she turns off her phone.
Leave for the Novotel. They won't let us check in because we don't have color copies of our passports, and they wont except black and white or our drivers licenses. EVEN THOUGH I have checked into a hotel in Dubai, Abu Dhabi, and Sharjah with my license or my photo copy. I even called the Meridian in Abu Dhabi, and he spoke to the manager and she was all "yeah, we let them check in."
3 hours later, after calling our housing manager, Ahmed Saab, to yell at him for taking away our passports to cancel our visas, crying with the manager, Khalid, eating dinner and drinking a bottle of wine, Khalid has confirmed with Ahmed via email, that we are in fact real people blah blah blah, so we check in. It's 11:30 now.
Get ready to go out. Get in a taxi, tell them Rock Bottoms so we can dance and get shitty, they take us to Heroes where we can't dance, but can get shitty. (Whatever...)
Heroes is fine, until KHALID comes up to me and is all trying to be our friend. I cuss him out being like "F you. F the Novotel. F the fact that you couldn't bend the rules even a little. Buy us a drink and lots of them!" So he did.
He leaves when the bar closes and we leave it at that. We get in a taxi, tell them Rock Bottoms, he takes us to Zenith. Khalid is there again!
We go to Khalid's place, next door to the Fing Novotel, we're friends, but not for long. He gives us late check out at 6 pm.
We go back to the Novotel, it's now 5 am, and we're tired. We go up to our room and the lights don't work, and they won't work until they get a technicality in there. They make us move rooms down the hall. NO apology, NO compensation, NO discount, NO sympathy that it is 5 am, NO free breakfast, NO nothing. So I scream at the manager that this is a 4 star hotel, a chain, and there are expectations when you check in. I also reminded him that there was not even a sorry, and if people aren't fit to work in the service industry they shouldn't, but I am sure that he just figured I was a whore and drunk. Apparently the Novotel is the prostitutes choice.
Wake up to0 late to go to the Grand Mosque, which I have been wanting to go to all year. Go to the pool instead until 4. Barely get a sun burn, but get a righteous tan.
Go to the mall for dinner.
The bus leaves without us.
Have to get a taxi home. (Not too bad)
Nearly get killed on our way home. Like 2 semis and a tiny taxi. You do the math.
In bed at midnight.

ANYWAY, I know it doesn't sound like that bad of a weekend on paper, but it was just like anything that could go bad, did. And people were abnormally rude.

Also I vowed to RUIN the Novotel, or was it DESTROY it. Either way, I am going to need some advice on how I would go about taking down a hotel. Like I want jobs lost and lives devastated. Any ideas Crimeballs?

Only 8 more days. Single digits y'all!

*** PS I did not proof read this, so forgive the grammar and/or spelling mistakes, not to mention the pure whininess of the whole entry.

A step by step pictorial of me eating a weird fruit

2009-06-10T07:35:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I don't know what it is, but I have seen it in the market for months, and being the risk taker I am, I had to buy it and learn how to eat it.

It has tough plum colored skin with a pretty little green leaf stem. It looks like a fruit or vegetable from a Japanese game. Harvest Moon anyone?! Oh only Jeremy and Shasha. Okay cool.

Attempt 1: Bite into it.

Fail!!
Bitter as the harsh realization that it is not in fact a plum, but more so tastes of bile and cactus and migrant workers' hands.

Attempt 2: Open it up wit my finggies.
A surprise fruity garlic-shaped lychee-like meat found beyond the spiteful demon purple flesh.

Let's have a taste.

Avoiding some seeds, but enjoying the juice! Tastes similar to a good loquat. If you don't know what that is, look it up, or ask Brad. We would steal them from my neighbor down the street on Pasado when I lived in that giant green house in IV. But I digress. Actually, to digress a little more, Stephanie and I want a dress made to match the seed of a loquat. It is a beautiful bronze shiny color. I would actually be satisfied with just a nail polish made of it, but again, I digress.

Seed!
Or stones as the Brits call it. Those idiots make everything sound like we're in the Renaissance.

Success!!
Quite a delish treat!
Would I buy them again? Yup. Would I recommend them to a friend? Already did. Would I make another pictorial documenting me discovering a new exotic fruit? Only time will tell.

Alright, it's time to go home!

2009-06-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today, being the clutz I am, I burnt my arm from the popcorn I was making. So my immediate reaction was to run it under cold tap water.

Oh but wait. There wasn't any.

That's right ladies and gents, the weather has officially made all of the pipes in the whole of the country warm, and therefore there is no such thing as cold, or even luke warm tap water... ever.

Give me another reason ya know.

Oh and to top it all off, I am on my THIRD throat infection since Xmas, and thus sound like a pubescent boy taking another Z Pack.

Life is such an adventure!

On a brighter note, I come home in 2 weeks! That's 14 days, 10 hours, and 45 mins if we wanna be exact. Which we do.

See you so soon!

Nicknames:

2009-06-04T04:27:00.000-07:00

As you know I like nicknames. Most of the time, these truncated forms come to me with ease.

Names I can take credit for:
Shasha for Shasha
CP for Balls
Reikman for Amie
Graceford for Grace
Jimmy for James (joint effort with the help of Reikman)
Jerimias/Germ for Jeremy
Rubinslut for Hayley (it came to me in the shower)
Skanky Henke for Brandon

Names I use but cannot take credit for:
Luscious for Laura (thank you Boner and Total Douche Bag)
Matt Ralph Naked Bush Breaker/Mr. Chocolate
Evi for Evan (that was all Mortimer)
Mortimer/Mortimus for Shannon

Anyway, I have been doing the same for my kids. And although my kids laugh at them, they do not necessarily understand why they are hilarious. Even my helper doesn't know why I think some of them are so funny. So now, obviously every kid wants their own, but they all have weird names and nicknames that usually flow like liquid silver are backed up like well.... I'm not going to mention any names, but I will tell you they needed to use a suppository in my parents bathroom. Will you help me and be my suppository?!

My class list complete with current nicknames:
Hessa: Baby Hessa, Madame Hessa, Hessa Baby (then I start singing "Santa Baby")
Ariha: Diarreha (not to her face of course... but man I don't like this twirp)
Mutia: smart, beautiful, just started wearing her vail, Indonesian
Waad: dick Waad (never have I called her it, but it would definitely work)
Pradita: Pradita, Pradita (sang like "Maria Maria" (you remind me of the Westside Story...)
Rahaf: a twin, really bad teeth, Emirati
Zayed Zeail: Z Bag, ZZ Tot
Zayed Al Hosani: very short, does not like to be called small, Emirati
Danis: cannot understand what he says because he mumbles, has a missing thumb nail, Indonesian
Merssal: Everyone's Favorite, Merssal
Abdul Rahman: Uncle Fester, has a LOTS of hair that flys get trapped in (Venus Fly Trap maybe), Emirati
Nitish: Nitish The Dish
Masud: Masud The Dude, Madoodle the Noodle
Asad: Asad The Bod
Mugesh: Debbie (he has a pink girl backpack that has "Debbie" a Barbie-like character on it)
Bryan: smart, rambunctious, white teeth, Philipino
Tariq: can't say green or blue, instead leeb and lube, curly hair, cute
Jacob: black, cries, smells like farts often, laughs like Eddie Murphy
Ghina: Ghina, Ghina Pumpkin Eater
Sevina: Sevina Morales (apparently a big singer in the Philipines, thanks to Irene, I and now you know this)
Eman: yaman (an Irish way of saying dude, the girl version would of course be yawon, but really is that an of course. And seriously, the Irish use it like it is nobody's business)
Nekesha: Nekesha, Nekesha (again, sang like "Pradita, Pradita"
Alreem: beautiful, kiss butt, Emirati
Weam: beautiful hair, ham for the camera, Emirati

The ones in bold do not have solid names, therefore I have provide enough distinguishing characteristics so you will be able to properly help me out.

Thanks.

Flight Deets:

2009-05-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so on June 24, I fly with Etihad from Abu Dhabi at 10:05 am, booze my brains out with one of these skirts for 14.25 hours, and arrive in JFK at 4:30 pm tired and hungover.

Then 2 hours later, I jump on an American Airlines flight to LAX at 6:45 pm, accept only complimentary coffee, tea, or soda for my 6.25 hour voyage, hopefully not with this limp haired party animal, and arrive in the sunshine state just in time to go to bed at 10:45 pm.

Approx. total flight time: 20.5 hours.
Approx. total travel time: 23.75 hours.
Arriving in the best state, in best country: priceless.

The Gate Keeper

2009-05-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

For me, the title of a Gate Keeper usually conjures up some images of either a dark, mysterious figure that hold the power of opening and closing some important entrance, or like a 3-headed dog that eats whoever is not invited into Hades.

Fortunately for Choueifat, our gate keeper is Rashide. Yes he is dark, yes he is mysterious, no he is not 3-headed, yes he guards hell. Also he loves saying cowabunga and eat my shorts. On a more serious note though, he is in control of my air conditioning, so I'm nice to him, or else he let's the fire ablaze.

Happy Bday Jackie

2009-05-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

Today, for Jackie's bday, I baked my newest specialty, Happy Cakes.

It's an absolute party in a cup! It's also, the second gayest thing in a cup, the first, of course being Clay Aiken's wiener when playing baseball. Ha, who am I kidding?! Aiken has never played baseball in his life.

I got* the recipe idea from omnomicon.com.

*stole. But I refuse to really acknowledge that. I tend to take recipes as my own all the time. Has anyone ever tried an Oh Dana Bar f.k.a. Mary Wilson's Really Good Dessert That She Brought to an AP Physics Picnic? Because they are an absolute party in my mouth!!

Here's the first one I ever did for Nasima's bday. Omnomicon told me to make it diet, so I did. All I used was a packet of cake mix and a can of Diet Sprite. Yeah, it worked. Yeah, it was bomb. Yeah, it was only 1 Weight Watchers point per slice!

uh oh

2009-05-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

If only baba* knew, he would be giving Alreem some beatings!

I think there is some love a brewing between Alreem and Abdul Rahman. Notice her lipstick?

Now notice his?!

Dare I say hubba hubba?!

I wonder how much Alreem's dowry would be?

*that's every other languages way of saying daddy

James, YOU'RE THE FUCKING BOMB!

2009-05-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

I have yet to thank James for this most beautiful display of propaganda, so I thought what better way, than to blog about it.

Dearest James,

First off I'm in tears. And B, I'm in hysterics! Everything is beautiful. The witty minimalism, the amazing fonts, the orange, white, light blue, and black color scheme. It is absolutely fantastic. And I thought I couldn't get any more excited!

I love you. We really don't say it enough.

Love,
Dana

I heard there was talk about getting Matt piss drunk and writing the invitation on his face, and then taking a picture of it. I think I like this option a little better. This way way we can capture his thoughts too right!?

Mr. Rob loves cooking for the masses. I just hope you like meat and Ace Miners BBQ sauce, because if you don't, that's cool too. You don't like hot dogs? Fine, I'm sure there will also be some ribs. You don't eat red meat? Whatever, he'll make up some chicken. You're a vegetarian? Done, he'll make you a boca burger and call you gay. Just as a warning, he loves to complain and pretend to be put out, but really, he secretly loves to accommodate.

At my 16th "Under the Sea" Danapalooza, Jeremy was able to eat 9 full hot dogs and a bite of a 10th, winning some candy or something and an unforgettable night with Matty Gay in my bed. Then 5 years and some change later, he lost his title of Most Gratuitous Competitive Eater in the Greater Five Cities Area to Whitney Furness. I forget the details, but it included Jack in the Box hamburgers, eating regurgitation, trying to puke, and Sarah Gong. I have the video somewhere, maybe I'll do something with it.

It is true, once Matt gets a few wine coolers in him, the Vans come off, as well as everything else. It is a pretty sight. Brandon and Grace can attest to it.

Nothing captures America, radness, and parties quite like fireworks. If only I would have grabbed some in China!

Anyway, I love the shit out of everyone that is helping the planning process (eg, my mom and dad, Matt and James), and I seriously cannot wait to be home.

Danapalooza ooh 9! Be there, or die.

Update on the weather:

2009-05-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Right now at 10 PM I just got back from a walk. I was SWEATING. Like all over, embarrassed-to-see-people-through-my-clothes sweating.

I looked up how hot it is. 90, feels like 102. Nice.

Overall days

2009-05-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

Every weekend, I open my closet, and curse the fact that I did not bring my favorite piece of clothing with me to this rad* hole. Overalls are the perfect laid back uniform for the weekends. They're light, breezy, and say, "yes I know you used to think we were dorky, but now, after seeing us so effortlessly pulled off by this non-plumber/farmer, you are reconsidering your prior bigotry."

So I was looking through my pictures, trying to see photographic evidence of my beloved cover-up combo, and to put it plainly, there are none past sophomore year, which begs the question: Did I stop wearing them when I became an upper classmen? It can't be. It isn't true. I am going to put them on first thing when I get home, over a bikini of course. Because that's allowed in Amurica. So is boozing it up your friends, which is also what I'm going to do first thing.

Freshman year.

Sophomore year.

Also, I think I'm going to cry right now. I miss these two like it's my job.

*hell

It's getting hott in her

2009-05-23T01:50:00.003-07:00

So put on some more clothes, I am gettin' so hot, I'm gonna put more clothes on (because this is the Gulf and they go wild for ankle action).

This week's weather forecast includes unseasonably hot with blazing sunshine, blazing sunshine and unseasonably hot, and sizzling sunshine and unseasonably hot. Lucky me.

Also what is this "feels like" BS? Why don't they just use that measurement? How are they even able to calculate the other temperature if it feels like something different? I am just saying, it makes little sense. I'll ask alan to make a little more sense out of it for me.

KEYT's weatherman Alan Rose.
Seriously though, this guy looks like a Mad TV version of George Bush. Not even SNL, Mad TV.
"It's the sation I watch," says Oprah at every commercial.

1 Moore month!!

2009-05-23T01:24:00.000-07:00

It was like my name was made for countdowns!

See you in a month y'all. That's a 30 day month, and not a 31 or 28/29 day month. I could poop myself with excitement.

I'll keep you updated with flight details so you all will be able to welcome me at the airport.

Street Fighter Doppleganger

2009-05-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday night, all but maybe 2 of my friends went to see Akon in Dubai. And although I love spending a retarded amount of money on seeing live performances, I decided not to be an idiot and avoid any hemorrhaging from the ears that might be caused by the synthesized screeches of the chart topper. Instead, Jasmine and I went to the favorite local hangout, the Danat. Usually we hate the Danat. Actually, all the time we hate the Danat, but we needed to boogie, and it is the soul place to do so in Ruwais.

Long story short, there was a group of Dutch doofs trying to chat us up for the entirety of the night. Of course we weren't interested, but in good whore fashion, we absolutely accepted plenty of boozie treats in return for a little conversation. The one that was insistent on talking to me, Mika, looked an unbelievable amount like Guile from Street Fighter. I am not even exaggerating when I say his hair was shaped like an upside down triangle, he had matching American flag tattoos on each arm, and continutally would scream SONIC BOOM after a punch kick combo. Alright, I am exaggerating a bit, but I promise when Konami or Capcom or whoever came out with Street Fighter was designing Guile, Mika is who they really saw.

Anyway, the funny thing about him was that he offended Jasmine by guessing she is 29. Jasmine, who just celebrated her second 23rd birthday in November, proceeded to make fun of him, saying that he looked like the Terminator and that his hair was ridiculous. (Forgot what the Governor looks like? Don't worry, this little thing called the interweb hooked me up wtih a picture. Yeah, we voted him into office. But that is neither here, nor there.) When we were leaving to the Dhafra, the Muslim equivalent to a strip club, Mika kept trying to "protect" me from the other Arabic men, and as a result, he out-Terminated himself by unintentionally quoting the first movie over and over. "I am here to protect you" "Do you trust me" "Come with me if you want to live," all with this very thick Dutch accent, that sounds remarkably similar to that of an Austrian or Schwarzeneggarian. I swear he was minutes away from an "hasta la vista" and an "I'll be back," I think he may have actually told me he was from the future too.... Anyway, he got pretty mad at me because I couldn't stop laughing and saying other Terminator quotes with my awful Arnie impression. He ended up yelling something offensive along the lines of "fine, go ahead, get raped," but continued to follow us to the Arabic bar. The night continued to worsen because of the chump, no Saudi's bought me a drink, I kicked the bouncer, and then we went home.

The night was not a total loss though. We went to dance, and we did. And plus, I didn't get arrested, so yayer!

Update on the immortal fly

2009-05-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

I took it out from the depths of my ass AND THAT BITCH WAS STILL ALIVE!

Should I keep it?? I think it could be made of diamonds.

Too late, I stabbed it to death with my pluckers.

This place has a weird sense of humor

2009-05-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

First I kill a lizard on a run.

Now this time I killed a fly. It was caught in my massive cleavage, cheeky little thing, in my very fabulous new sports bra (that really does keep me cool). Anyway, I felt a tickle, and thinking it was a hair, I pulled out what I thought to be a jumping spider. So I yelped and dropped it. Then it flew into my computer, where the fan thing is. I grabbed a tissue and squished it immediately. But it wouldn't die. So I crushed it again. I felt it crack. It survived. I pounded it with my fist. It still didn't. I am sitting on it as we speak. This guy wants to play rough, then bring it on! I can go all day.

Wanna see some funny lookin' kids?

2009-05-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Eman and sweaty sweaty Bryan.

Zayed Al Hosani, looking guilty as ever!

Zayed Zeail. My crown jewel.

Wanna see some pretty kids?

2009-05-19T08:00:00.001-07:00

Bryan and Tariq.

Rahaf and Pradita. (Okay, kinda a stretch on the pretty, but sometimes they can be quite cute, no they're pretty, I'm sure of it.)

Alreem and Nekesha. (Nekesha is dreadfully shy, and is practically balding, but if you tell her she is pretty, she will smile a smile to melt the coldest of hearts. Alreem is going to be a dime ... after braces of course.)

almostdidn'thappenpalooza

2009-05-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

So May 11th, as you may* already know, is my birthday, and normally on and around that day I do all of my favorite things in celebration of my favorite person. This year, however, I was not that amped for it as much as I have been in the past. I did not have any concrete plans, plus I was away from those who have experienced past Danapaloozas. So I intended to celebrate slightly with my class, which is not allowed (it's not the Sabis way), go out to dinner at the only non-fast food restaurant in Ruwais housing complex with my friends, and in bed hopefully by 9:30. Instead, I got to celebrate mildly with my kids, have a Surpriseopalooza/Spaceopalooza, and was not in bed until 3. It was very very much appreciated.

Here's the photographic evidence that at least more than one person (being myself) loves me in the Middies.

Playing with clay instead of doing worksheets: Hessa, Mutia, Waad

"Party" hats made of paper plates.

Having a little difficulty.

I promise Rahaf is cuter than she looks in this picture. Pradita is about that cute in reality though.

Eman, being cute.

After I told them to get back in their seats. This is not Eman's seat. Look at that creep face AR making!

Don't be fooled, this boy is the world's cutest, most affectionate, sweetest asshole, and I love him.

Nitish the Dish.
Self indulging in a little self portrait fest.

You take one with a favorite, then every mediocre kid wants one.

Waad and I, though a very messed with setting.

Playing with their "maracas" made from paper plates during music.

Getting to color with their party hats on!

Hessa's end result.

My reaction! I'm keeping that NASA turned DANA sign for the rest of my life!

Couldn't me happier!

The treasures in my piñata and it's craftswoman slash hostess of the bash, who spent a solid 2 weeks on the AMAZING decorations.

Americans!

Qaisya from KG1E (Jasmine's class) got me some very nice Arabic perfume.

Uh oh! I think home has got some competition in the cake making dept. Victorian sponge rocket cake, ready for take off!

Ruwais, we have a problem.

Crisis averted. (Too many astro-references?? Not possible)

*should

Amie already has this belt!

2009-05-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to rotate! I'm the worst blogger ever!

Has Mango been shopping at California Kool and selling their merch for 15 times the price? Cleva gerl.

um 1932 called, it wants its racism back heyo

2009-05-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Hallmark,

Just a friendly reminder, it is no longer appropriate to sell Sambo figurines in your store. Although the golliwogs were once hilarious and "life-like," now they are both outdated and racist. Plus they are creepy and weird, not to mention, useless. People simply don't* like collecting retarded statuettes**.

Sincerley,
LISAA

*shouldn't
** even ones where candy comes out its mouth. Eat the candy and grow up y'all. You are only making a mess out of your closet!

just a taste of my bday (Moore to come)

2009-05-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Can't find my USB cord connector thing for my camera, and only one of my friends have posted pics of my fabulous Surprise Ruwaisian Danapalooza.

Here is me pwning a piñata that Jasmine made to look like the sun. It's just like in that movie Sunshine, where that guy from 28 Days Later and that other guy from Fantastic 4 have to reboot the sun with nuclear weapons because it is slowly burning out, and that scary sunburned dude kills everyone on the ship with scalpel...

Yeah, I used to play softball.

Swimming cap- check!

2009-05-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ladies Club

In great Tay Tay fashion, you have to wear a swimming cap at the ladies club pool. I finally bought one today, and let me say, I'm excited to debut it. And though I do not think it the most hydrodynamic, it was the cutest amongst the boring solid caps of blue and black, although they did have one that would have made me look like a rainbow snow cone, but I was like, no too gay. And now my golden locks will be protected from the harsh green chlorine. Plus it leaves my head smelling latex fresh, which is weird in most situations, but to me, it smells like mama.

Professional Synchronized Swimmer

I also had to buy non cotton shorts to cover my very exposed legs at the WOMEN's ONLY pool. What the h y'all. It's bad enough I have to hide my six pack, now I gotta cover up the gams too. So my shorts are purple, my suit is purple, and my fabulous cap is purple. Tell me if I start to look a little too Grimace.

Grimace

Oops!

2009-05-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

I stepped on a lizard (not Scotty "The Lizzaad" Cohen) on my run tonight. Let's hope alls I did was break off his tail. I'm gonna be honest though, he's probably sidewalk kill. What was the lil' bastard doing under a beautiful, crunchy leaf anyway?? He had to be suicidal.

And if you say I match my shirt, I will punch your face off. You try jogging in 90 degrees, feels like 98 at night with 69% humidity! I believe is something very similar to hell.

PS keep an eye out for my bday blog! It was banging.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

One day isn't enough to celebrate that that is my mom. Anyone who knows Debbi, loves her.

She's sweet enough to cause a tooth ache, which is convenient 'cause she can also fix it. And she's prettier than the days are long.

She cooks me dinner. She's always baking. She does her hair. She loves to garden. She's funny, happy, and cheerful. She goes to church. She lets me borrow her car. She's a great mom, a great grandma, and a great wife. She's the perfect lady!

HAPPY HAPPY Mother's Day Moma.

Wish I was there to celebrate with you, and share part of my birthweek thunder.

46 more days in sandland

2009-05-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Jasmine keeps calling it sandland, so it has caught on with me.

Since there is so little time (MK&AO shout out) left here, all I want to do is make the most of it with my kiddies by hugging them all the time and taking their pictures to capture their cuteness. When I hug a few of them, like Hessa and Ghina and Zayed, I squeeze like I'm not going to see them again. I could cry if I let myself, but I don't. Can't seem weak in front of the kids, you know how it is. They are amazing huggers too, like sincere, genuine hugs.

Anyway here are a few pics from the other day (the day after we made the crowns).

Hessa the amazing photographer she is, snapping a shot of me and Alreem in PE.

Z Z Tot and Uncle Fester

Jasmine being tackled with cuteness. That is Rahaf's twin, Noof, and the other one is Nadia. What you can't see is Hessa (in the bottom right corner being cuter than all three combined. Sorry Jazz, she's cuter).

My two darling criminals, Zayed Zeail and Nitish.

Tariq (starting his weeking off early in his cute lil' shorts) and Waad before going home on Thursday.
Asad (purposely being cut in half by the frame), Bryan, Rahaf (in the back), Waad, and Weam.

KG1D makes some more crowns!

2009-05-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

Art time again for the bright young future of the UAE, and you know what that means... Miss Dana tries to find some decent art supplies at a "book store" and only comes up with these sticker foam jewels things. I thought it'd be fun if they got to make crowns again. The kids love it, and I love the kids, so it's a win win situation.

Front to back, left to right: Ghina (hamming it up for the camera. I LOVE her), Alreem (she's pretty, but she's old for my class), Nekesha (shy and sensitive), Weam (super cute still).

Danis (getting cuter by the day), Abdul Rahman (and his Arab fro), Nitish (NOT in his freaking seat), Masud (always clowning for the camera too), Asad (being boring as always), Mugesh (looking like an Indian prince), Bryan (you can't fully see), and Tariq (you can't fully see).

This is my background on my computer right now! Hessa (with her pervy look), Mutia (with full excitement), Waad (looking happy as a clam), Rahaf (being cute and posey), and Zayed Zeail (just being mental!). I love my class. It really makes working for idiots seem much better!

This is Eman. She's my new Pakistani student, and speaks very little English. To put it plainly, most of the time she looks like a boy in an anime cartoon, but up close she is keeeyoot! Look at those sparkley eyes! You could get lost in them, like a black hole. But don't do it. She never sits in her seat!

Alreem is goign to be a beautiful woman. She looks like Isabella (Jeremy's neice) to me. And good ol' Abdul Rahman. That's not how you wear your crown prince.

Magnificent Mutia

2009-05-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

Look at this pretty girl!

Look at how pretty her work is too! I don't even ask it to look this anal!

Seriously??

2009-05-06T01:12:00.000-07:00

Ms. Jenny, my idiot boss, came into my class today and caught Ms. Irene (my Filipino helper) talking about art. Although she didn't hear what we were saying, she assumed we were gossiping or some crap and left in a strop. Then came back a minute later, asked for Irene, took her outside and yelled at her for probably 10 mins, telling here that she is not allowed to talk to me during class.

WHAT!? Irene is my helper. She is supposed to be helping me in the class with the kids and preparing stuff for math, phonics, language and wait for it... art!

Jenny didn't tell me anything, she just picked on Irene because she is the helper, and Jenny is racist and knows that the helpers will not argue with her, unlike any of the teachers.

So now poor Irene is scared to talk to me in class. Instead she frowns at me, as if to say sorry.

Crumb turns 4 today

2009-05-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Crumby! I wish I was at Crumbpalooza with all your closest friends (me, mom, and dad), rubbing your belly, feeding you dog-friendly cake, helping you open the presents I bough for you, and taking you on a long walk, but alas, I am sweating here in sand land. I miss the crap out of you dawg, and think about you everyday. See you in 48 days!

PS Happy Cinco de Mayo to America. Emphasis on the lack of drinko de Mayo, as well as America. As you know, boozing here is illegal, as well as fun, so I will soberly go to bed. But hey, at least I'm not in jail right?

Yowza!

2009-05-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

Guess who has 2 thumbs and didn’t throw up or pass out because of the heat!? This guy (me).

Ana told me that her car said it was 48 degrees Celsius (ew metric, now I’m gonna ralph) on Saturday. Yeah, yeah we’re talking. That doesn’t mean I don’t hate her, it just means that I’m going to start passive aggressively destroying her. Anyway, 48 degrees is 118 degrees in Farenheit! And Timmy’s car, a black 2004 Golf, so of course I trust it more, said it was 50! That’s 122 y’all. Like honestly, how did these Bedouin champs survive out here before there was AC!?!

UPDATE 4:

2009-05-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

What’s a 4-letter word that ends in unt that you can call a female (not to her face of course)? I’ll five you a hint- it’s not aunt.

In short, my roommate, Ana, is retarded and a huge bitch and yeah. She asked me to not bring over Jasmine anymore because she is creating a “reputation” for our apartment. Reputation? What, as like the fun house? She said that people at the senior school were saying that she even went to jail. And the night of her debaucherous actions, she hid in our house. In reality, she definitely spent the night, but did she “hide” here, no. She didn’t even know she was in trouble ‘til like 3 days after the ordeal. She merely forgot her keys in her house like a drunk, and needed to wait until her roommates woke up to let her in. Of course I explained this all to sweet little Ana, as well as telling her that she was being ridiculous and retarded and over reacting. It was not a pretty sight. I told here that if she was so worried about reputations, she should be more concerned about her own (oh snap). She is known as the Romanian Wanton of Ruwais. Not really, I just made that up, but she has, in fact, garnered quite the slutty rep herself, and personally I would much rather people think me a shitshow than a whore, but then again, that’s just me being prude again.

Wanna know what the hood rat looks like?!

Like OMG, this is her profile pic on Facebook. Reputation, Schmeputaion, this trick's a first class who-er.

UPDATE 3:

2009-05-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

After her 3 day stint in a women’s facility in Abu Dhabi, Jasmine returned to the "free" world 3,000 Dirhams poorer (that's about 820 bones) and absolutely not wiser. If anything it made the country seem more stupid to say the least.

So how was prison in the Middies?

Who: Mainly Russians and Filipinos (Filipinas?)

What: She was transported in shackles and a green jumpsuit. Other women had different colors of sashes on their green suits ranging from the less severe yellow, which meant 2-3 month sentence, to the murderous red. There was only 1 red at the prison. For breakfast she said they served “caca,” for lunch they served bread, and for dinner they served “vomit” but really this all could be a number of Middle Eastern dishes and plus she’s a picky bint. All she ate was lunch, and once a fly landed on it, she couldn’t finish it. After 2 days without water, she asked for a cup and the cafeteria lady handed her a dirty cup. She screamed and threatened the UN on her. The lady washed it and handed it back to her in a huff.

When: Everyone there had been there for at least 2 months. They all said that “British/American passports, very nice” and wished they had one of their own because it got you out much much quicker. One Russian bird was in for the same thing Jasmine was, had already been there for 2 months, and hadn’t even been sentenced.

Where: An air conditioned prison in Abu Dhabi

Why: The Russians for forging visa documentation (though this probably was a euphemism for prostitution because honestly who forges documents to get IN to the Middle East, not to mention most Russians are tutes anyway… is that racist?) and the Filipinas for kissing their boyfriends in public slash for being Filipino.

How: The British embassy came and talked to the prison, and she was out the next day. It is good to be British. It's still better to be American!

More censorship

2009-04-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today while watching Rachel Ray, don't judge, I live in the desert, and there are only so many English channels, and there was nothing on, and plus they had given a make-over to a mother who had had a mullet since she was 7, and like what do I have to justify why I was watching that hoarse trick anyway.... deep breath. Okay. So while I was watching Rachel Ray, she was making these breakfast biscuits that had egg, cheese, and bacon in them. They looked decent at best, but that isn't the point. When she was mixing all of the ingredients together, she was like "you can use turkey bacon or @*$% bacon." Now take a wild guess which four-lettered word the UAE bleeped out. Pork. I kid you not, they bleeped out the word pork. Well either that, or she was talking about fuck bacon.

So it's haram to hear the word pork, but you can pork up to 4 women as long as you're married to them. Yeah that makes sense.

More phallacies

2009-04-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

Rahaf, in my class, has an identical twin sister in Jasmine's class, Noof. Although the two look exactly the same, their personalities differ greatly. Point in case, Rahaf is cute, Noof is a perv.

Jasmine, being the more prepared teacher for her students, prints out their work and pastes it into these notebooks we call copybooks. This is where the kids get to practice writing without a worksheet, in a book, in a worksheet format, but in a book.... Same shit different smell though, ya know?! Whatever. Anyway, here is an example of Noof's copybook for the sound O. See how she was supposed to draw an octopus, as in O O Octopus, and then write the letter O on the provided lines? Minus the pupil-less eyes and the disregard of a leg, I would say pretty good.

Now this is what she drew for P. See how she so did not draw a P P Panda.

Repeat after me KG1E: P P Penis. P P Penis. P P Perv. P P Perv.

Easter in Ruwais

2009-04-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

I know it is a little later, but I forgot to tell you about Easter in the Middies.

First off it started like every other day, and to cut quickly to the chase, it ended like any other day. It was a holiday, so we didn't have to work. Yayer! Instead I lounged around and watched Angel for the majority of the day, and Jasmine cooked me some lamb with mint sauce, mashed potes, and stuffing.

Then after dinner, my new roommate, Zeinab wanted a tour of Ruwais, like there is really much to see... BUT we did it anyway. As Jasmine and I are starting to meet Zeinab at the park by my house, the lightening and thunder is tremendous! I mean forks of electricity and deep, loud, long drums of thunder. I felt like I was in 0 AD and Jesus was being resurected that night. That must have been what it was like right? Like massive action and magic in the sky. It was pretty epic to say the least, but then it started to rain on our walk, and I was having a good bang day, and those come so rarely, so I was a smidge upset.

OH but then there was this Emirati on a motorcycle cruising next to us when it was still only sprinkling. That is what these men do here, they cruise around and check out the people walking, in hopes they will be women. They circle the block and make it completely obvious they are looking at you. It's annoying to say the least. Anyway, this man on a motorcycle kept speeding up and down the street and showing off doing tricks and stuff, as if it would have impressed us. Any other day it would have been obnoxious, which it still was, but that day, Easter, with the lightening and the thunder, he was popping a wheelie (as I hear the kids call it these days) right when this giant horizantal bolt of lightening flashed, and I couldn't help but feel I was in a Meatloaf video. If it weren't some retard, I would say it would have defined rad, and I don't throw that definition around, but instead it just defined tool. It will forever be burned into my brain though as a happy memory from this awesome hole.

It's good to be friends with Emiratis!

2009-04-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm not much into cars. I mean I like them, well I do love them, like the way you love your computer. Like I am dependent on her, and I am affectionate her, but I don't take pristine care of her, and I don't really care if too much happens to her. Also, I don't really do any extra curricular reading about cars (0r computers for that matter). But my friend, Ahmed, rented an Audi r8 for my other friend, Nasima's, birthday. So at the party, after I left, everyone got to take it for a spin. Luckily for me, I bumbed into him and his muscle car on my hour break, so he let me do the same!

Fast cars are perfect for the E11. The highways is almost perfectly strait, there are rarely any other cars on it, and you know where the radars are so you can easily avoid them.

I got to 220 km/h which is only like 136.7 mph (which is faster than I have ever driven!), and pussed out because it was broad daylight, and I don't want to go to jail like a certain someone I know.

The car was nice, enough. Annoyingly low, red interior, and automatic. Even though it is automatic it still shifts like Amie (hey yo for the A Yo!), which for those who haven't been blessed to drive with my dearest friend/sister, she lives up to both her Asian and woman stereotypes. But that is besides the point. I don't get why it needs to so obviously switch gears. I get it, you're a sports car, you like to rev the RPMs, but you are also an Audi, and that means you are luxury, and I want to luxuriously go from 0-60 in 4.4 seconds without the jolt of each gear. But hey, I don't know cars.

Warning!

2009-04-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

Chicken pox is going around!

Most of my class got it last month, but I expect the rest of them to get it soon. They enjoy showing me their nasty scabs.

Yesterday 56 kids were absent from it. That is about 23% of the school! (yes I just did the math)

Even Mr. Rashide, our mid 30s gatekeeper has it! I laughed at him. But we're cool like that. Yes, I realize that it is much more serious to catch when you are older. We're not worried. The clinic here is very well prepared.... ha.

There is a rumor going around that Jasmine has the chicken pox. I'm letting people go with it. I don't want to be the one that drops the she's-actually-in-jail bomb.

UPDATE:

2009-04-21T06:34:00.001-07:00

Actually the UAE does in fact give a crap about making an example of someone.

Jasmine has been in jail for the past 3 days.

She went in to the municipal court for her "apology" during her lunch, and 8 hours later, I got a text from her saying that she would have to pay a fine and go to jail. Then at 10:30 I got a call from her saying that she was going to be moved to the women's facility in Madinat Zayed which is like 45 minutes away to stay the night there, with a potential transfer to the Abu Dhabi lock up or whatever for 7 days.

That was 3 days ago.

Now she is in Abu Dhabi, and most likely coming back to this awesome* hole in 1-2 days.

On the bright side she didn't have to work this whole week. On the dark side, I had to cover some of her classes.

I will keep the updates a comin' to let you know if it gets too Guantanamo/Brokedown Palace.

*shit

Awesome UAE!

2009-04-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

Okay so last Thursday started off to be just like any other Thursday- one, maybe two people wanted to go to the Danat, and the rest of us were just easily convinced. But unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, most of us girls were really in the dancing mood, which meant the men were in the buying mood, which meant we were in the drinking mood. So one thing lead to another, and eventually police were knocking on my door at 4 am, I’m in my PJs, and I so was not in that kind of mood. Of course there are many missing pieces to this story, like what happened from 11pm to 4 am; that’s not because they are too incriminating or anything, but rather because they are just too boring and typical to be included. And by typical, I mean I didn’t lose my phone or camera, so it couldn’t have been that typical. Actually I don’t think I brought them, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, we came, we danced, we conquered, but then we went home.

Now if you are confused to as why the police were at my house looking for what seemed to be Lorrayne, so was I. I said that I thought she was in her house, asked why they needed her, they couldn’t understand me, and that was basically it. So minutes after they left, I creeped upstairs in case they were still there, which they were, and army crawled from one end of the apartment to the other so they couldn’t see me, which they could. I asked Lorrayne why they needed her, and she thought it was because Jasmine was being loud and rude to the cops. Jasmine loud and rude? Nhhoow! Never! The cops went to Jasmine’s house about a domestic disturbance call they got from Mr. Sala, the man that lives directly below me (umm this is why you don’t let families live near a large group of shit shows) and they knocked on Jasmine’s door for questioning, but when they wouldn’t/couldn’t show her identification that proved they were in fact officers of the law, and not just some Emirati creeps knocking on her door in dish dashes in the wee hours of the nicgh, she kinda threw a tantrum, yelled, and took their pictures.

Yeah, so we woke up the next day, thirsty and confused.

So this is what really happened (as I understand it):

Mr. Sala woke up around 4 to get some water to find his front door wide open. Worried there was an intruder in his house, he called the cops. That same night, two Indian men at the Indian camp had gotten into a deadly fight over money or something, resulting in one murder and one critical injuries, therefore, the cops were on very high alert. The cops showed up coincidentally at the same time all of us got home. The cops then started questioning anyone who was around at that time, Jasmine included. Jasmine started to make a scene (this is where she took yelled at them “You are stupid! Your country is stupid!” took their pictures, etc) and Lorrayne came down to save Jasmine from herself, so she didn’t get into too much trouble with the authority. Mr. Sala told the cops he thought they went to my house, so the cops came to ask me where they were. I said upstairs, they couldn’t understand me, they left empty handed.

Did you know that it is illegal to be drunk in the UAE? It is also illegal to buy alcohol from a hotel you are not a guest at, to say mean things to someone else, and to take a picture of someone without their permission.

Therefore Jasmine, who was guilty of all 4, had to go in for questioning at the police station at 9:30 last night.

Her punishment: to say sorry to the officer at the municipal court for calling him and his country stupid.

And they say their country isn’t stupid.

Happy Birthday!

2009-04-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

to the love of my life, and best friend:

Party responsibly on your 21st. We don't want anymore DUIs.

Oh yeah and to a Mr. Patrickbon, you're older too!

POPS IS COMING!

2009-03-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited!

This is the tentative plan, because I know you all are oh so interested :

Fri- 4/3: Pops arrives in Dubai around 5:30 pm. We check into our swanky, yet affordable hotel. HOTEL TIME! I hope they have high ceilings because the last time I got to have hotel time with pops, I was a bit shorter then, and couldn't jump as high! Walk to the fabulous Mall of the Emirates, I buy a camera, dad hits the slopes for some indoor skiing. We grab a shwarma before hittin' the hay.
Sat- 4/4: Wake up to sunny Dubai. I show dad the architectural wonders that prove the UAE must be compensating for something including the Burj Al Arab, and the Burj Dubai. then relax by the pool until our desert safari, which commences at 4. Then we will dune bash (which is a fancy way of saying 'mobbing,' which is a white trash Bako way of saying 'driving a 4x4 in the dunes while scarying the living daylights out of the passangers'), camel ride, sand surf, see how the Bedouins lived, get henna, do sheesha, eat BBQ meats, belly dance (well watch it, I do not B dance myself... maybe pops will be into it... OH MY GOSH, he better not be into it! I will die! I'm dying just thinking about him dancing!), and drink. Then it's back to the hotel by 10!
Sun- 4/5: Pool time until check out. Catch a taxi to Sharjah for flight to Alexandria, Egypt at 15:00 courtesy of Air Arabia. I swore I'd never fly them again, but their cheap deals are just too intising! Arrive in Alexandria at 17:00 (3 hour flight with 2 hour time difference). Take in the Mediterranian for the rest of the night.
Sat- 4/6: Wake up early-ish to go to the WWII thing my dad wants to see. Something about some attack from Tabrouq. You'll have to ask him. Or wikipedia it yourself. See the Kom Al Shoqafa catacombs. Take in the last of the Mediterranian, then leave for Cairo by the night.
Sun- 4/7: Wake up in Cairo for an AM tour of the pyramids and sphyinx. Pops wants to see the sunrise on the pyramids, but I'd settle for sunset. Then I plan to find a baby in the Nile, survive some plagues, set an army of Jewish slaves free, part the Red Sea, wander the desert for 40 years, oh and check out some of the markets. I hear they drive a hard bargin, but I'd like to brave 'em.
Mon- 4/8: Depart Cairo for Abu Dhabi at 9:00. Arrive in Abu Dhabi at 14:00. Sitesee a little in Abu Dhabi which means drive by the rad mosque and the Palace hotel. Maybe go to a mall, but probably not. Show dad what I do every weekend, then drive back to Ruwais. Do the Danat (our Western bar, and by Western I mean Philipino) then do the Dhafra (our Arabic bar. Arabic bar? you ask. Yes, Arabic bar. But I thought Muslims weren't allowed to booze? Oh they're not. That's why no cameras allowed. It's where I accidentally bump into my students' dads, and then they pretend to not notice the blonde teacher at school on Sunday when they are dropping off their little Zayed. That really hasn't happened... yet).
Tues- 4/9: Tour de Ruwais. Show Pops KG1D! Go to the Danat beach which is much nicer than their bar and finally catch some much needed vitamin D.
Wed- 4/10: Dad leaves in great Moore fashion- at the buttcrack of dawn, kisses, hugs, tears, then I celebrate Haley Joel Osment's birthday.

Can't wait! Just 3 days!

PS 88 days 'til I come home!! And 44 days 'til I'm 23!! (ew)

Life is such an adventure.

Pit stop

It's coming

Cinco de Crumb.

My mom got a helicopter stuck in her head.

I turned 24

Cookie and Crumb

Uh oh.

Spring had sprung

How I spend my time at work 3

How I spend my time at work 2

How I spend my time at work 1

Crumb ate a gopher

Geocaching with Jerm

Beach day with baby and friends.

Another sign of a good weekend

Sign of a good weekend.

Tsunami warning in Pismo.

Baby C is still way sick!

The Amazing Moores

Shasha's in the army again

2010! This year's gonna suck way less then 2k9!

Crumb is the reason for the season!

How to write a good Christmas song:

What is up with this?!

Drama at the old people home!

Let the baking begin!

A very Central Coast Christmas!

Party Chat!

Cat sitting for the King/Street/Kingstreetss

Waning Gibbous

the rest of my movie shoot pics

BFF

Top of the morning to ya.

My fortune.

This IS it.

Crime Balls Pierce is an idiot

Making connections

Toilet

Home

Finally at the doctor

Totally hireable!

TSDFi3D

What in the world?!

Bitch Sitting

Free at last

Nephew time

Pixar, will you marry me?

Baby

Happy Birthday JAMES!

Will work for food.

Doing my part

Tweeting Twats

Jeremy got married to Jessica.

Matt's haircut

She's BACK!

Never Can Say Goodbye

I'm back!

Counting down the hours

Worst Weekend Ever!

A step by step pictorial of me eating a weird fruit

Alright, it's time to go home!

Nicknames:

Flight Deets:

The Gate Keeper

Happy Bday Jackie

uh oh

James, YOU'RE THE FUCKING BOMB!

Update on the weather:

Overall days

It's getting hott in her

1 Moore month!!

Street Fighter Doppleganger

Update on the immortal fly

This place has a weird sense of humor

Wanna see some funny lookin' kids?

Wanna see some pretty kids?

almostdidn'thappenpalooza

Amie already has this belt!

um 1932 called, it wants its racism back *heyo*

um 1932 called, it wants its racism back heyo